Monthly Archives: November 2012

The Lohan Paradox – Our Cultural Dust Bowl

The Lohan Paradox – Our Cultural Dust Bowl
Tina Fey and Lindsay Lohan 2012

It’s not looking good Linds. Not. Looking. Good.

This past Sunday I watched The Dust Bowl by Ken Burns on PBS because that’s the kind of high-falutin’ broad I am.

I’ve always been intrigued by this piece of history because it seems to be so absurdly biblical in size and tone. From the sky going black in the middle of the day to the locusts, it smacks of the rapture.

It was a fantastic show and I learned a lot. Especially about the general futility of dusting.

But, after watching all the death, depression, suicide and dirt, I needed a drink and to surf to a show that would balance the sadness and make me feel a bit more lighthearted.

But, instead, I had the exceptional misfortune of coming across Liz and Dick on Lifetime.

Like a lot of you, I’ve been hearing about Lindsay playing Elizabeth Taylor for months and months as the big event that will give La Lohan’s career a second (or third or fourth) chance.

I can only hope that there is an infinite number of second chances in the universe or I will be sorely vexed by the Lohans, Downey Jrs. and Gibsons of the world.

So, figuring that nothing could be as devastating as the Dust Bowl, I hunkered down with my box of Good & Plenty’s and joined the other 3.5 million of you.

Wow. I was so wrong. This was actually much harder to watch than poor farmers losing their homes and land, losing children to lung disease and families starving.

So, in light of this, I will now write an open letter to the director, producer, exec or other brainchild who decided it would be a great idea to crap all over the memory of one of our celebrity legends.

Dear Lifetime Miscreants,

I get it, I really do. There is major bank to be made by casting Lindsay Lohan in just about anything. I know that, as experts in “Television for Women”, you are well aware that those of us with a vagina are none too keen on math.

Instead, in your worldview,  we dedicate ourselves to killing our husbands whilst in a jealous rage, seeking counseling for our alcoholism due to our sexual abuse as children, or we are unjustly deterred in an all-women’s prison all the while looking pretty hot.

But, I gotta figure that, you guys were thinking you’d be raking in some serious cash on the backs of all of the train-wreck watchers.

I have never been a big fan of LiLo as she has repeatedly pooped all over my most beloved childhood memories. Herbie Fully Loaded was a blow, but The Parent Trap put me into the fetal position. I’m sure Hayley Mills is rolling over in her grave.

The Parent Trap

We know, Hayley, it makes no sense to us either!

(I just looked it up and Hayley Mills is very much alive and not actually all that old so I officially apologize to Ms. Mills.)

But, beyond the Disney remakes, Lindsay is simply not a very good actress. She got by on freckled cuteness fine at the beginning but that charm is loooong gone.

With the exception of Mean Girls, which was good ONLY because of Tina Fey’s writing (a stump can be hilarious if Tina writes for it). I sort of want a shot of penicillin just looking at her.

There are dozens of other talented actresses who could have kicked butt in the role of Elizabeth Taylor. But, I understand, talent is not what this was about.

Here, let me get out my pink, bedazzled abacus and give this math thing a run: Given the cost of insuring someone like Lindsay Lohan (easily $400,000 PER DAY to keep her off whatever she’s on) the advertising dollars could still make up for it (probably to the tune of $300,000 for a 30-second spot). But, then factor in that you got only about half the viewers you thought you’d get…

Ouch.

Not that you run the risk of losing your farms or being descended upon by locusts. Doubtful that there will be any really long-term pain from this.

Except, of course, your contribution to our cultural Dust Bowl.

Yeah, thanks for that.

Sincerely,

Long time critic, first time watcher.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Why did the Turkey cross the road?

Why did the Turkey cross the road?

Because it pecked at my ankles and I am going to kick the crap out of it.

May you avoid all unwanted peckers this Thanksgiving.

I leave you with this little bit of justification. (Yes, I know it’s a rooster, not a turkey. Work with me, people!!)

Rooster Takedown

An Organized Day of Sloth and Gluttony

An Organized Day of Sloth and Gluttony

Ah, Thanksgiving. It’s the official kick-off of the holiday season. Or, as I like to call it, the start of my special 6-week alcohol bender cleanse.

I know this is a little early for a Thanksgiving blog but with the amount of tryptophan and vodka that will be coursing through my bloodstream next week, I figured it may be best to hit this one now.

And, maybe it’s good to get some of these thankful feelings in the forefront of our minds before having to spend time with your insane, dysfunctional families in tight quarters, having a food orgy as if they were all zombies at a brain buffet.

zombies

Save the cerebral cortex for me, Grandma!!

I thought I’d put together a list of the little things I’m thankful for. I know the norm is to be thankful for family, kids, good health, blah blah blah. But, I think we don’t stop to focus on those tiny little things that crop up every day that make us all question, if only for a moment, the need for the anti-depressants we are all taking.

So, here we go. Minutia I am thankful for.

People who are brave enough to give massages for a living. I can’t even begin to say how skeeved out I would be at the idea of having to oil up and rub my hands all over a complete stranger. The possible scenarios these poor saints must have to deal with….well, I just threw up in my mouth.

Awesome parking spots. This little thing can make my day. I somehow feel as if I have a force field of good luck around me for the entire day when I snag a spot right in front of where I am going. Conversely, when I see someone else with the force field, I am driven into a homicidal rage at the injustice of it.

People who are idiots because it gives me stuff to write about. I thank the cretans, morons, bigots, pundits, politicians and boneheads who give me mountains of material with which to mock them. They have given me countless hours of unbridled joy and I thank them and their cross-breeding parents.

People who wave when you let them into traffic. I love them! They make me want to not only let them in but also wash their car and buy them an ice cream. It may be my slavish response to positive reinforcement but, by God, it works! These people have been raised very well and most likely send hand written thank-you notes too. They always make my day feel more civil.

People who know how to write well. It’s like hearing angels sing.

People who make sense on Twitter. There are so few of you, I feel you probably know who you are. Let me illustrate this point by showing you the exact opposite of what I speak.

“AL mistake OMG Brian over Joe SO wrong my friend SO wrong I cant believe u made such a mistake Id go C Joe Buy Joes songs #SOWRONG

Yeah. I have no idea. And I wasted valuable time just trying to read it.

My dog, Calvin. If he were a human he’d be a total mensch. He is all-knowing and, I believe, the Gandhi of the dog world. I am mixing my cultures and religions but that’s how awesome he is.

Emma Stone. I don’t know. She just makes me happy whenever I see her.

A BIG thing I am particularly thankful for. Everyone who is kind enough to take time out of their lives to read what I write. This is no small thing and fills me with joy. I feel anytime someone gets even the smallest giggle, an angel gets their wings. I truly believe laughter can save the world.

I will attempt to continue to make this site worth visiting!!

Now, put on those elastic waist pants and go eat a shitpile of dead bird because you KNOW how I feel about birds. Especially flightless birds. At least Thanksgiving helps diminish the numbers.

kid and turkey

Artist’s rendering a mere moments before this child is pecked senseless by this feathered harbinger of evil.

My Election Hangover

My Election Hangover

Election Hangover

I am sure that I am far from alone when I exclaim that I FREAKING HATE ELECTION YEARS.  If I hear one more pundit who thinks I give a shit about what they think I’ll literally vomit.

I have often wondered what kind of person becomes a pundit anyway. Were they particularly annoying and opinionated children with volume control issues?

I want to stab them all in the throat.

I understand that there are times when we can act like a nation of slobbering idiots who can’t dress ourselves without seeing what poor derelict is being made over on What Not To Wear. We can’t take a shit without finding out what Dr. Oz will say about its consistency and fiber content. I’m frankly amazed we have survived the loss of Oprah on network television.

Those times disappoint me. But, times like last night make me happy. Not because of who won but because of how many people spoke out and insisted on being heard.

So, while I hate pundits (on pretty much all sides of the fence) I will now abuse you with some of my observations from our dalliance with democracy. I will, however, attempt to keep my volume at a sane level.

The Undecided Voter

A lot has been said about the Undecided Voter, who I have chosen to call “Terry.”  With candidates as opposite as ours, I have a hard time understanding what “Terry” is undecided about. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that “Terry” is so high that he/she can’t quite follow any of it and, once he/she saw that legalizing marijuana was on any ballot, only voted on that, thereby passing it in several states.

So, “Terry,” I only hope you do better deciding between the bag of Doritos and the carton of Ben and Jerry’s.

The Year is 2012

The GOP is kind of like the Catholic church. It’s a new world and you need to realize the landscape has changed. Alienating women, Hispanics, gays and blacks isn’t going to get you too terribly far. Our culture and the issues around it have changed significantly and it won’t be going back. There’s some good stuff on the Republican side, you just need to spruce it all up to be relevant in our time and appropriate for who your audience is now.

And yes, we are all smoking the marijuana cigarettes now so please speak slowly.

“News” Coverage

Diane Sawyer, I can’t quite tell if you were seriously tanked or you had a stroke. WTF, girlfriend? Sit up straight and steady yourself, woman!

Diane Sawyer

And Diane Sawyer declares tonight’s winner is… chardonnay!
~ One of my fav Tweets from last night

Karl Rove, why are you such a nasty old douchbag? What terrible shit went down in your life to make you so very unlikable? You actually give Republicans and conservatives a bad name that I think many do not deserve.  Acting like a belligerent man-child bully on national television is not the way to influence.

Karl Rove, put on your big boy pants and act like a man, you KNOB!

 Unrealistic Expectations of Mere Mortals

Obama is not a black Jesus and Romney’s magic skivvies will not save the economy or anything else. Why do people insist on making these MORTAL MEN anything other than that? I believe, at their core, both Romney and Obama honestly think they are doing the right thing for the country. We should neither vilify them nor expect them to be saints.

Though he does totally ROCK this look.

I Finally Like Twitter

I have been a Twitter Hater (Twater?) and have only succumbed to it grudgingly because all those social media whores out there said I should, thereby turning me into a social media whore-in-training.

However, last night was by far one of the most entertaining elections I’ve been a part of because of some of the brilliant and hilarious posts. So, to hopefully end on a high note, some highlights:

Either those flags are tiny or everyone in Chicago are giants.

Don’t feel bad for Mitt Romney. He can always go back to being the guy kayaking in any Lipitor commercial.

Why is the Empire State Building lit up in blue? Did a new Smurf movie open tonight?

SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: Mitt Romney Helps American Man Keep His Job

“You’re still the president of this family, honey.” “Shut up, Ann.”

Wait – Obama’s black?

IT IS NO LONGER A PROJECTION. IT IS OFFICIAL: I’m kind of a fan of Sea Breeze cocktails!

What a sad day for legitimate and illegitimate rapists.

Has Michelle won First Lady yet? ‘Cause if SHE loses…. Awkward.

Why is the same show on EVERY CHANNEL?

The people in the bar I’m at just wildly cheered Obama winning California and Hawaii. They also cheered when I said the sky was blue.

Peeing into a bottle on my couch.

THE RESULTS ARE IN IN OHIO: my step-cousin Jaden is OFFICIALLY the new day-shift manager of the Hardee’s on Coleman Road.

Sleep tight, America, and know that – no matter who you voted for – tomorrow we will wake up united in our hatred of wobbly tables.