Monthly Archives: August 2013

My Summer In a Women’s Prison

My Summer In a Women’s Prison

I think it’s time I came clean. I have been harboring this terrible secret for too long and the guilt and stress is eating at my very soul.

You see, while the rest of you have been out frolicking in the summer sunshine, I have hidden in dark corners, waiting until no one could see me and I was at last alone, to give into my dark, terrible addiction of…….online TV series.

Oh, it started innocently enough. I quite purposefully tried to spread out my True Blood binge this year, limiting myself to two episodes a week of vampires, werewolves, shape shifters, faeries and, of course, very tight Swedish buttocks.

I suppose I do more than my fair share of squats. Does that make me a naughty Swede?

I suppose I do more than my fair share of squats. Does that make me a naughty Swede?

But once my supply of True Blood ran out, I had to hit the seedy cyber streets to find more.

I kept it innocent enough at first, moving on to Hemlock Grove, which is like True Blood Lite. It even stars the younger brother of our naughty Swede, Bill Skarsgard.

Will I ever be as hot as big brother? Only time will tell, my little Nordic friend.

Will I ever be as hot as big brother? Only time will tell, my little Nordic friend.

This one came equipped with gypsy werewolves in high school, Famke Janssen as a Joan-Crawford-meets-Morticia matriarch, and something called a Upir, which is a Russian werewolf who can walk around during the day.

But when did walking around during the day become an issue for werewolves? Alcides does it all the time on True Blood…and, he rarely wears a shirt….and does household chores.

I’ll get right on that gutter once I’ve done something unimaginably sexy with this ax.

I’ll get right on that gutter once I’ve done something unimaginably sexy with this ax.

See, I was too early into my addiction to suspend disbelief. I still needed to wrap all that weird shit in logic.

Instead, I just ended up with feelings of confusion, emptiness and shame.

So, I decided to go for something of higher quality that wasn’t cut with junk.

I started to troll the Sundance Channel and found Top Of The Lake.

This one had no mythical creatures. But, it did have inbreeding, self-flagellation, teen pregnancy, meth labs and crazy face tattoos.

I had no self-control after the first episode and was back to my old ways, binging out and watching the whole thing within a week.

And I won’t lie.

It.

Felt.

Good.

From there it was a free fall into dark subject matter. I remember waking up on the couch after a jag of all 13 episodes of Orange Is The New Black. I think I had blacked out somewhere around the point where Piper is cornered in the shower by a bunch of hillbilly, born-again meth addicts with a homemade shiv.

That’s right, I was freebasing a women’s prison dramedy. But, I had blown my wad and had nothing to fall back on. I had no stash. No new season of anything for easily 6 months at best! How was this sudden detox going to play out?

But, there is always someone out there who will keep you hooked.

And along came Broadchurch. A tasty, dark, disturbing drug from those damned BBC Thugs-on-Thames. But, since it’s a current show, iTunes has become my very own mini-series methadone clinic, only allowing me to watch one episode per week.

I have five more episodes before I am once again left starved, shaking and on the street looking for my next fix.

If I can just hang on until the new season of New Girl, I may get through this yet. Yes, what I need is some lighthearted, innocent entertainment to soothe my darkened soul.

…..unless Jess becomes a Zombie coke whore.

....it could happen.

….it could happen.

The Future – Where You Still Have To Plug In Your Laptop

The Future – Where You Still Have To Plug In Your Laptop

SPOILER BLOG!!! Turn away now if you are one of those people who have to experience shit for yourself instead of heeding the warnings of others. Close this down and jump off that bridge, fool. 

I have emerged from the deep, finally, after not posting for several weeks. Life gets in the way often, but NOTHING gets in the way of my annoyance with bad movies so here ya go.

It’s been a while, thankfully I suppose, since I’ve seen a really terrible movie. Not that many of the flicks I’ve sat through will win any awards, but every now and then there is such a stinker that I just have to get my rant on.

I had high hopes for Elysium.

First of all, it had Matt Damon who, up until now, seems to make good choices in his career. He also is just doggone cute and, frankly, hilarious.

God, you are so right. Just look at me…I’m goddamned adorable!

God, you are so right. Just look at me…I’m goddamned adorable!

Secondly, the director is that South African dude who did District 9 which is, in my humble opinion, a freaking awesome sci-fi movie.

So, I will admit that I may have had unrealistic expectations from the start. However, even if I were DOING Matt Damon, I’d slap him upside that adorable noggin.

In a nutshell I’ll give you the rundown to save you the trouble.

  • Poor people are noble, rich people are assholes. WE GET IT!
  • Evidently, even though everyone has a tanning bed-like machines in their homes that can cure everything from Leukemia to a blown off face in a matter of seconds, in the future we will still have to plug our laptops into walls for a network connection. Evidently, wireless didn’t end up working so well. Who knew?
  • You can literally change the political and social direction of an entire planet by typing the word “Legal” in some code. Duly noted.
  • Jodi Foster is not only “not” saying she’s gay, she’s also “not” saying she has completely given up on acting. And, given up on her dialect coach, evidently, because she had the weirdest futuristic French accent ever. If that’s how people talk in 2154, thank god I’ll be long dead because I’d stab them all in the eye.

    Do you see my intense stare and severe haircut. I’m ACTING, people!!

    Do you see my intense stare and severe haircut? I’m ACTING, people!!

  • Diego Luna, a BRILLIANT Mexican actor was totally wasted, being relegated to a street urchin looking like a cross between Tonto and Pippi Longstocking.
image

It makes no sense to us either, Diego.

  • Sharlto Copley, who was awesome in District 9, has also gone to waste. His character is so one-dimensionally evil that by comparison you’d think Hannibal Lector ran a soup kitchen.
Would you like your chowder in a bread bowl?

Would you like your chowder in a bread bowl?

So, to summarize. The future looks stupid and even Matt Damon’s awesome abs can’t save us.

The End.