50 Shades of WTF (or, The Use of a Thesaurus While Masturbating in Public)

50 Shades of WTF (or, The Use of a Thesaurus While Masturbating in Public)

(I was told that the use of sexy words in a title would get more hits. Evidently, lots of people search on the word “thesaurus.” Who knew?)

Listen, I get it. No one is having enough sex. Especially no one I know. I’m sure George Clooney gets laid constantly. It must get boring for him. But I’m no George Clooney.  I suspect Betty White gets more action than I do. I suspect Betty White gets more tail than George Clooney does.

So, given the state of our sexless existence, I felt compelled to dip my toe into the mommy porn cesspit and read 50 Shades of Grey. What a fucking weird book this is. Oh, you could say it’s weird because of the numerous references to anal plugs and spanking. But I mean weird because its level of suckiness can’t possibly match up to its popularity….or the obscene amount of coin the author is raking in.

I have a laundry list of rants to go with this book that could fill dozens of blogs, so I will focus on my top two issues today.

Issue Number 1: The enervating, encumbered, oppressive and exaggerated used of the thesaurus by the writer.

Who the hell talks like this? Especially whilst having a butt plug thrust into a poop hole? “Why, Mr. Grey, what a hedonistic endeavor you are embarking on.”  SHUT UP!

The use of inappropriate SAT-level vocabulary is more disturbing than the handcuffs and nipple clamps in this piece of shit.

I dare you to use “thesaurus” words in a normal sentence in daily life without looking like a complete asshole.

For your consideration:

“Dude, that wave was epic. I will never expunge it from my memory!” See, total asshole.  He will not be invited to the clambake later.

“I can’t wait to dig into this steak with my cutlery.” It’s a knife, douchebag!

“I smoked so much weed this weekend, I was afraid I would somnambulate.” Shut up or I will stab you in the head.

“That inconsiderate misanthrope absconded with my parking space.”  I hate you and I don’t know what you just said, you fucking tool.

I think “Thesaurus” is now my safe word.

Issue Number 2: Don’t read this book in front of people!! You are freaking them out.

For the love of God, if you have the physical book, stick a brown paper bag around it or something. We all think you are either a horny old lady or have terrible sense in your choice of reading material. Both can’t be good for you. Please, you live in a shame-based society. Act accordingly.

And this rule doesn’t only apply to public places like buses and park benches. Do you think your 20-year-old son wants to know his mother (or aunt or gay uncle) is a horny freak show? That could do some serious damage and take years for the visuals to be “expunged” from his memory.

I believe we only fly our freak flag at full mast within the confines of our S&M rooms…or in blogs where consenting adults gather willingly.

What I’m most intrigued about is the writer. Who the hell is this woman and what kind of private life does she have? No offense, E.L. James (not her real name….I wouldn’t use my real name either) but you just don’t look the type. You look like every woman in sweats in line at Trader Joe’s or picking their kindergartener up.

So, you have now made me look twice at everyone I know and have compromised my ability to compartmentalize them into tidy boxes. For all I know, that woman in front of me at the coffee shop who looks like she has not showered in days and has stains on her shirt has a vibrator up her lady garden RIGHT NOW!

She does seem suspiciously chipper about her venti frappuccino….

 

12 Responses »

  1. The thing that mystifies me about how Fifty Shades of Grey is so popular is…
    Really?
    You can get better porn on the internet. Written porn. For free. No spam, even. WHY, for the love of humanity, would you choose to buy a book and read it in public???? At least online, you can read it in public on your little ereader thing.
    And I know you can get better written porn because at 18 I was bored and curious and found a well-written story with interesting, well-developed characters who have personalities and do not talk like a thesaurus and heck, it’s even a BDSM story, and it’s twenty thousand times better that FSoG.

  2. I’ve heard of so many people getting sucked in and reading all three books and I’m just like “whaaaaa?” There is nothing to “suck you in” unless you’re talking about how much it actually SUCKS! I have never seen such a craptacular piece of shite in my life!

    “Laters!”

    (That alone makes me want to stab a random person in the head.)

  3. I went to pick up my twins from preschool today and the director had FSoG open on her desk. Completely freaked me out! Surely reading porn at a preschool is weird/illegal/freaky/inappropriate??

  4. I considered making this very point in my blog post too! I couldn’t help but imagine “E.L.” sitting in front of her computer with a glass of wine, a few Klonopin, hammering out her masterpiece, frequently alternating between her document and an awaiting “thesaurus.com” tab. She types out “Ray-he’s quiet” and then refers to her thesaurus and changes it to, “Ray-he’s taciturn”? Why? There were way too many examples of her thesaurus abuse. Great post!!

    • It just defies logic to me that this book is such a phenomenon. It speaks volumes about sex in society for sure!!! Loved your post as well – could go on for days about other annoying stuff in there!!

  5. I’m on book 3 but while I was reading 1 I found it stupid and hard (no pun intended) to finish. She left me hanging so I started two. I don’t find it all that juicy…not sure what that says about my husband and I…I guess after 12 years with the same man, NONE of her books have been that surprising to me…So glad Marne suggested your blog on facebook…I’m really enjoying it. YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!!!

  6. OMG, you obstreperous little vixon! This was my favorite post yet. Irene, you kill me. And I mean that in only the best way. Please say lady garden just one more time…

  7. I too am equally annoyed by this book! No one has that much sex. Unfortunately I’ve been pulled into book #2 & #3. And she’s totally using a thesaurus. I bet she wrote the book then went back and replaced words after she was done!

  8. Well, I WAS going to read that book but I think now I’ll pass. Just finished the Hunger Games and that was disturbing enough.

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