An Organized Day of Sloth and Gluttony

An Organized Day of Sloth and Gluttony

Ah, Thanksgiving. It’s the official kick-off of the holiday season. Or, as I like to call it, the start of my special 6-week alcohol bender cleanse.

I know this is a little early for a Thanksgiving blog but with the amount of tryptophan and vodka that will be coursing through my bloodstream next week, I figured it may be best to hit this one now.

And, maybe it’s good to get some of these thankful feelings in the forefront of our minds before having to spend time with your insane, dysfunctional families in tight quarters, having a food orgy as if they were all zombies at a brain buffet.

zombies

Save the cerebral cortex for me, Grandma!!

I thought I’d put together a list of the little things I’m thankful for. I know the norm is to be thankful for family, kids, good health, blah blah blah. But, I think we don’t stop to focus on those tiny little things that crop up every day that make us all question, if only for a moment, the need for the anti-depressants we are all taking.

So, here we go. Minutia I am thankful for.

People who are brave enough to give massages for a living. I can’t even begin to say how skeeved out I would be at the idea of having to oil up and rub my hands all over a complete stranger. The possible scenarios these poor saints must have to deal with….well, I just threw up in my mouth.

Awesome parking spots. This little thing can make my day. I somehow feel as if I have a force field of good luck around me for the entire day when I snag a spot right in front of where I am going. Conversely, when I see someone else with the force field, I am driven into a homicidal rage at the injustice of it.

People who are idiots because it gives me stuff to write about. I thank the cretans, morons, bigots, pundits, politicians and boneheads who give me mountains of material with which to mock them. They have given me countless hours of unbridled joy and I thank them and their cross-breeding parents.

People who wave when you let them into traffic. I love them! They make me want to not only let them in but also wash their car and buy them an ice cream. It may be my slavish response to positive reinforcement but, by God, it works! These people have been raised very well and most likely send hand written thank-you notes too. They always make my day feel more civil.

People who know how to write well. It’s like hearing angels sing.

People who make sense on Twitter. There are so few of you, I feel you probably know who you are. Let me illustrate this point by showing you the exact opposite of what I speak.

“AL mistake OMG Brian over Joe SO wrong my friend SO wrong I cant believe u made such a mistake Id go C Joe Buy Joes songs #SOWRONG

Yeah. I have no idea. And I wasted valuable time just trying to read it.

My dog, Calvin. If he were a human he’d be a total mensch. He is all-knowing and, I believe, the Gandhi of the dog world. I am mixing my cultures and religions but that’s how awesome he is.

Emma Stone. I don’t know. She just makes me happy whenever I see her.

A BIG thing I am particularly thankful for. Everyone who is kind enough to take time out of their lives to read what I write. This is no small thing and fills me with joy. I feel anytime someone gets even the smallest giggle, an angel gets their wings. I truly believe laughter can save the world.

I will attempt to continue to make this site worth visiting!!

Now, put on those elastic waist pants and go eat a shitpile of dead bird because you KNOW how I feel about birds. Especially flightless birds. At least Thanksgiving helps diminish the numbers.

kid and turkey

Artist’s rendering a mere moments before this child is pecked senseless by this feathered harbinger of evil.

10 Responses »

  1. Wow, that vignette of “turkey with little girl” is soul-chilling… I’ve seen that look in a bird’s eyes before… it has tasted human blood!

  2. Oh my gosh! I’ve been so busy with looking for a job and the kids and my stupid page and the kids and candy and the kids that I’ve gotten SUPER behind on my stalking and seem to have forgotten how much I FREAKING LOVE YOU!
    *happy sigh*
    I’ve got some catching up to do so don’t get creeped out if I comment on like ten things tonight. Or do. I like it when they’re a little bit scared anyways…

    Also – I wasn’t necessarily raised well, but I totally wave when people let me merge in traffic. Even if it’s pouring rain! My car is always outside and my favorite flavor is mint chocolate chip. Just sayin’.

  3. I am one of those who laugh at your blog. It has saved my sanity several times . . . no easy thing to do. Have a great T-giving. I will be out-of-town, by the ocean. Don’t hate me.

  4. I’m thankful for everything on your list – even your dog. I may not know him, but if he brings you joy, he’s good on my list.
    I would add my cat to my list, because sometimes she’s all that keeps me from feeling stabby.

  5. I just had a massage at one of those $25 places. He kept saying words that sounded like “lady” and “pain”. I just nodded and smiled…when I left I felt like I needed to render a police sketch for the beating. He stopped me in the parking lot to (thank me?) tell me his name was “Twenty” (Tony?) for the $20 tip as he was smoking his cigarette. It was awesome.

  6. I am truly thankful for your decision to write this blog Irene and for 360 Double Chocolate vodka. (Don’t judge me ’til you’ve tried it.) And I refuse to reveal which of these I’m more thankful for.

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