None of you can possibly think that I could pass up the opportunity to comment on the rash of celebrity vomiting we’ve seen in the past two weeks. It would be no more possible for me to stop the flow of snark than it would be for them to stop the flow of spaghetti and milk they had before going on stage.
I’m sure Bieber and Gag (sorry, forgot that second “a”….what was I thinking?) are not the first to toss their cookies in public. Hell, a lot of them throw up while laying down and end up dying so….just putting a positive spin on the whole thing.
I have a few theories about what’s going on with all this spewing.
It’s highly possible that retching is the new re-hab. I’m really hoping this is not going to catch on as some sort of publicity stunt like anger management or anti-Semitism. I’m waiting for the moment Mel Gibson pukes all over a CHP officer. Though, I highly suspect that may have already happened at some point.
I have a fairly healthy case of Emetophobia, which is a fear of vomiting…which I just looked up because I literally have information at my fingertips, thank you Bill Gates and the Google Guys! But, doesn’t EVERYONE on the planet “suffer” from this perfectly reasonable disorder? I don’t get why we need an actual word for it.
If you don’t suffer from Emetophobia then we have a whole other blog topic right there.
I just pray we don’t get inundated with reality shows like “Celebrity Horking” or “Hollywood Vomitorium”. Cuz’ that would just be wrong….yet possibly profitable.
(Dear TLC, call me.)
I also think it could be a new terrorist strategy. Forget the Zombie Apocalypse because this is WAY more frightening than slow-moving brain-eaters. It’s a sadistically brilliant plan. They are making a mockery of our cultural icons which in turn will break down our entire social structure. I’m not sure how this all links up because I am not a brilliant terrorist mastermind. But I trust they have a good plan.
I believed their first test run of this new strategy was the incident with Bush Sr. and the Japanese Prime Minister. But, we’ve all had bad sushi so I’m going to let that one go.
I wouldn’t want to come across as a whack job conspiracy theorist after all….
This terrorist group probably knows that none of us will help each other out because the chain effect would be too devastating to comprehend. They are strategically using our nationwide Emetophobia against us. Classic divide and conquer tactics.
So in order to prepare for either of the above mentioned scenarios, I decided to look up all the different terms for regurgitation. Well, it was probably less about preparation and more because it would appear I’m a 12-year-old boy and it’s kinda funny and super gross.
Anyway, here are a few choice cuts.
- Barffalo Bill
- Chow shower
- Disembarking dinner
- Gale Force Burp
- Involuntary personal protein spill
- Laughing at the ground
- Liquid scream
- Mouth crying (a personal favorite)
- Vurp (a burp with a little vomit, see also; Shart)