Crazy Chicken People

Crazy Chicken People


You’d never believe this but I have a couple of minor phobias. I know I have just shaken your world with that news flash.

So, let’s start with birds, shall we?

I actually like to watch birds as they soar through the sky and perch in trees. They are lovely to look at and listen to with their melodic chirping.

But, if you get one of those fuckers on the ground and pecking near my ankles, I will go all Tarantino-style ape shit on them.

I have this terrible phobia of birds on the ground. It skeeves me out to no end. I’m only slightly more comfortable if they are not on terra firma. But, still not a fan of flapping wings around my head either.

This tends to be a problem because so many of my friends and enemies (many of who will be commenting on this blog I have no doubt) are buying into this foul (do NOT excuse that pun) craze of becoming “urban farmers” or, as I call them, Crazy Chicken People.

These are people who don’t quite have the cojones to just go live on a farm but clearly can’t be bothered to drive to the goddamn grocery store to feed their insatiable need for huevos.

They start these mini petting zoos in the back yards of their suburban tract homes and get all superior because they are “eating sustainably”. I thought that was the whole purpose of eating anyway. To sustain. Clearly I’m missing something.

Listen, I don’t have anything against chickens.

Ha!!! Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t know why I even said that. I freakin’ hate chickens. I’ll eat them, no problem. Happily, in fact, since that will mean one less avian terrorist in the world.

I’ve had a checkered past with non-flying birds. I believe I was allowed to watch The Birds at an entirely too young age. The scene when Suzanne Pleshette and Tippi Hedren are walking the kids through the school yard through a sea of stinking crows and other feathered miscreants clearly was the beginning of the end of my relationship with these creatures.

You’d better hope they’re only here to crap on your car.

There used to be an evil wild turkey that lived outside my building at Microsoft. The ugly fuck hung out like a turkey version of Travis Bickle.  All lunatic attitude just waiting for some trouble.

It would mean a mad run from my car to the door to avoid being attacked. Literally. I mean it. It would peck your eyes out just as soon as smell your fear.

I had a bag of rocks I kept in my car and would pelt it with them as I made my escape.

(By the way, it is virtually impossible to look even remotely cool while blindly running in terror from a squawking bird as you throw rocks at it. Just in case you thought you might want to do that to improve your cool factor. See, I am here to mentor you.)

You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking… you talking to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?

I always thought it would be a wonderfully liberating gesture to throw an actual bottle of Wild Turkey at the asshole but couldn’t quite stomach the waste of it.

Take that lethal piece of ironic justice, you big bully!!

So there you have it. I think you all know now how I feel about this. But, please do let me know if I’ve left anything unclear here.

I leave you with these words to ponder, spoken by an advanced non-avian human.

When birds burp, it must taste like bugs. ~ Bill Watterson

27 Responses »

  1. Pingback: An Organized Day of Sloth and Gluttony | Left of Plumb

  2. The Birds and Jaws. Makes it tough to walk in the woods in Fall with no leaves to hide the beady eyes or dive the clear waters of the Caribbean sea peering into the vast blue with the Jaws theme playing in your head. Totally get the phobia!

  3. Oh, and I almost forgot! The Benny Hill theme song music is called “Yakkity Sax”. You can download it as a ringtone for your phone, don’t ask me how I know.

  4. Totally there with you on the whole bird thing. I also watched the move “The Birds” at far too early an age and for years could not enter the kitchen at night if the light wasn’t on, as I was sure as soon as I turned on the light in the dark kitchen, all the birds just waiting there in the darkness would swoop onto me and peck my eyes out. I live with the remnant of that to this day. One of my best friends recently became a “CCP” (crazy chicken person) and the only comment I ever make to her when she is swooning about how wonderful they are is “Skinless and boneless, Chrissy. Skinless and boneless.” Love your blog.

  5. No, no, the scene that got me going on my avian phobia was the grampa in striped pjs, dead, propped up against the wall with his EYES PECKED OUT! Yikes, that was the worst scene for my twelve-year-old self. thanks for making me feel less alone in my pointless terror.

  6. Totally agree…a raven soaring through the sky in Yellowstone is beautiful, however, a raven staring you down when you’re next to him in a parking lot is just plain creepy (and yes, we took a picture just before we got in the car & rolled up the windows). The Park Rangers claim they are “fascinated” by humans, um, really?!?!

    • Believe me, you are in good company!!!! One of my best friends was late coming to my house for dinner the other night because she was hand feeding mashed potatoes to her hen. I understand that this is MY phobia.

  7. Oh, oh, oh!! So much to say!!! OMG, OMG, bursting!
    But all I’ll say is that this animal-loving freak here loathes spiders. If I was building an ark, they would NOT be invited. If you were on my ark, there’d be no spiders or birds (but would you consider a couple of parrots in cages? They’re really smart).

  8. Hilarious post Irene. I also had a bad expereince in Seattle with some crows on the way to work. I had walked under a tree and the crow started dive bombing me. I was running across the street arms waving, eyes wild, saying that a bird was attacking me. People thought I was crazy. A very humbling experience.

  9. Birds in general have never really been on my radar, well, except for the ones that shit all over my freshly washed car, oh and geese.. Here in MI we have these awful creatures called Canadian Geese. There are probabaly more geese in our subdivision, or in South Easten Lower Michigan, then people. They are loud, they block traffic and they leave absurd amounts of “goose grease” in their wake. And they have no fear. My 100lb German Shephard was once stared down by a gaggle of them. He chose to run…coward! So in short, Canada please keep your geese! And yes, wild turkies are mean SOB’s!

  10. Oh my goodness. I love the use of the Hitchcock film to illustrate your point, as I will take as much Hitchcock reference as possible into my daily existence.
    I don’t hate birds, but I understand the phobia (me+spiders=notagoodscene). My issue with having birds as pets (or for food or whatever) is the messiness factor. I am lazy as all-get-out, and I prefer my pets to clean up after themselves. Which is why I don’t like my husband’s dog, either (notice I didn’t say “our” dog?).

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