Eulogy for My Beloved Cable

Eulogy for My Beloved Cable

I love TV. Not all TV. But, I happen to be one of those shallow, useless souls who believe that there is actually some really good shit on the ol’ boob tube these days.

I understand many people have much better things to do with their time like cure cancer, fix the economy, spend time with loved ones, blah, blah, blah. But all those things generally involve other people and sometimes, you just don’t want to do stuff for other people. At least I don’t.

And, just as an aside to those who have never really succumbed to the evil empire of television and pop culture: I take pleasure in making constant references you will never understand. And, I refuse to let you feel superior to me even though we both know you are and that you fill me with self-loathing. Hey, if you choose to spend time with your kids instead of Ryan Seacrest, well…..that’s just a choice you have to live with. I’m just saying, I sleep fine at night.

Jim and I recently decided that this summer would be “The Summer of Austerity” (and I will be printing team t-shirts and coffee mugs, undoubtedly making millions just to be an asshole and flip off the Summer of Austerity).

This will be an attempt to see how little money we could spend over the summer and still live to tell the tale come September. Along with this, we also decided we would go without Cable for the summer. And by “we” I mean Jim.

(Jim is now interrupting my “creative process” by proclaiming that it’s not just about money but also about living a simpler, less cluttered life. Fair enough….that golf club bag sure makes a nice little home for that mouse family, doesn’t it? You are such an animal lover!)

And so, I ask that we take a moment of silence (and by “we” I mean you), bow our heads and remember the happy times and the joy Cable has brought to my life.

Oh, Cable, with your open arms and blind acceptance of all intellectual levels from comatose to barely functional. You teach me to embrace my laziness and stupidity with no judgment asking only in return that we eat Happy Meals and take Viagra. Preferably at the same time.

You’ve given me so many hours of enjoyment and escape. You’ve kept me out of the gutter by letting me watch people who are in it.

Cable, I bid you a teary adieu. Godspeed on your quest to find true love, singers who have the whole package and are not pitchy, and to teach us just how difficult it is to be a midget chocolatier with a hoarding problem….on crack….who is pregnant…..with quadruplets.

And now, dear friends, I ask for strength and fortitude in the Summer of Austerity. I will check in from the other side when I am allowed. Assuming we don’t decide “electricity” seems a bit over-indulgent.

Seacrest out.

8 Responses »

  1. Really, how hard can it be to strap a satellite dish to the side of the house? He didn’t say you couldn’t have a satellite dish, now did he? It’s all about finding the loop hole. It’s better for all of us if you don’t lose touch with that little bit of reality. By reality of course I mean reality television.

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