I Am An Oscar Whore

I Am An Oscar Whore

You see, I am a whore for the Oscars. I am. And, yes, I feel a level of shame in this fact. I’m not necessarily a beautiful, shorn, singing, consumptive whore like Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables. But a whore none the less.

image2

Wow, my life sucks.

I know, it’s all fixed, political, not about art, blah blah blah. I get that but, not unlike Lucha Libre and my body fat percentage, I choose to ignore the truth.

Chicken man is totally going to take down Skeleton guy.

Chicken man is totally going to take down Skeleton guy.

I won’t claim to be above loving all the pretty stars, their designer gowns or all the pomp and circumstance. I do love me a red carpet.

But beyond that, it’s one of the rare times that the dirty, crazed, slovenly writers finally get a little love and attention.

Ever since Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, a couple of unknown upstarts, won for Best Original Screenplay for Good Will Hunting, I’ve gotten very choked up when the writers have their moment.

A really smart screenplay with awesome dialog makes me weep. So, either I’m hormonally unbalanced or there aren’t nearly enough good screenplays. My suspicion is it’s both.

As for the actual viewing of the awards ceremony, I’m an Oscar Nazi. I’m not necessarily a steely-eyed, milk-drinking, psychopath like Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds (yes, that’s spelled right). But a Nazi none the less.

Now, vat did vee say about noise? You disappoint me.

Now, vat did vee say about noise? You disappoint me.

I will abide NO chatting, visiting, commenting or mumbling during the actual show. Any Chatty Cathy’s will be throat punched. And, I don’t give a shit if it’s during the best Lithuanian Foley Artist acceptance speech. This is a fucking huge night for Jurgi and by God, let the man have his moment in the sun!

I haven’t seen everything yet but plan on it before the Big Show. In the meantime, here are some of my impressions thus far.

And, don’t worry, I WILL NEVER BE A SPOILER! If I lack integrity everywhere else in my life, I solidly maintain it in this one thing.

Les Miserables  If Anne Hathaway doesn’t reduce you to a quivering jellyfish of tears, you sir, are made of stone and I wash my hands of you! However, a word of warning – they actually SING everything in this movie. Just be prepared. And, if you are even partially  human, bring a gross ton of tissue to sop up your eye juice because you will be dehydrated by the time this thing is done.

I will ask though, what the hell were they thinking with Russell Crow? He was clearly as uncomfortable in that movie as a nun with an STD.

Argo  A friend of mine put it perfectly – “It’s like Jaws without sharks.” It’s true, the tension is stroke-inducing before the opening credits have even begun.

Wonderful to see Ben Affleck getting his shit together post Gigli. It was an awesome movie – loved it!

While it did get a best picture nod, I’m annoyed Ben was passed up for Best Director. But, again, I will turn a blind eye to this slight and be dazzled by whatever Halle Berry is wearing.

Silver Lining Playbook   Great movie. Finally seeing Robert De Niro act again instead of phoning in crap like Meet The Fockers was refreshing. He plays OCD lunatic with a heart like no one ever could.

He’s married to a perfectly quivery and uncomfortable Jacki Weaver.

Bradley Cooper is awesome but looks like he smells like wet feet.

And Katniss Everdeen is even more sulky than during the reaping.

Lincoln  Oh, Danny Day, what planet are you from? The planet of insanely good actors who are probably impossible to deal with in real life? Mr. Method nails everything he does but can you imagine being married to him and asking Mr. Lincoln to take the garbage out or burn a damned match in here when you’re done?

I bet a dead Civil War-era president can really stink up a bathroom.

Life of Pi  Light up a spliff and see this thing with a gallon of popcorn. It’s the prettiest damned movie I’ve seen. And, if you see it in 3-D I think you may see God.

Beasts of the Southern Wild   The little girl in this movie, Quvenzhané Wallis, cannot be for real.  She acted the crap out of everyone on the Best Actress list. And she’s like 5!! And this is her first real movie role!

My kids are double that age and can barely function like a human so I choose to believe she is a 30-year-old midget and my parenting skills go unchallenged.

So, to wrap this thing up, I am a hormonal Nazi whore who has a fondness for good writing. Sounds like the start of a fantastic screenplay!

12 Responses »

  1. You and I could never watch this together. I have too much snark and sarcasm in me to sit quietly through anything. If I’m not constantly getting up to do something, I’m making fun of bad makeup or hair choices. I can’t even be quiet during a commercial! My cynical brain just won’t shut up.

  2. Pingback: Golden Globes 2013 Recap | The Goddess HoweThe Goddess Howe

    • You are the best!!! Thanks for the shout-out. I’ll take red, thank you. I believe that’s the proper color wine for french onion dip, right? Would hate to be gauche!

  3. I haven’t seen any of these movies yet! I’m so lame this year. On the top of my list is Argo and Silver Lining Playbook.
    Bradley Cooper came into a friend’s restaurant recently, and I’m happy to report that not only does he look pretty, he smells and acts pretty too!

  4. Okay! I would DEFINITELY invite you to my Oscar party. It is usually a guest list of one so that I won’t yell and scream at the other party guests to shut up so I can hear the acceptance speeches, and so I won’t be ridiculed for crying when it’s a really genuine speech. But you could come and we could sit silently together, weeping when appropriate, commentating and reviewing during commercials!
    I haven’t seen them all yet, but intend to go for the marathon and knock out five in one day when AMC theaters has their Best Picture Showcase.
    But I completely agree with you on Russell Crowe. Surely someone else in Hollywood could have actually sang the part! But Anne blew me away.
    What snacks do you want for the party? ;o)

      • Florida, which I think is basically the other side of the world from you. So maybe I’ll just put out some snacks in your honor and we’ll party together (silently) in spirit! We could tweet during commercials, but I never know what the hell to hashtag.

  5. OMG, me too, me too! Except I have to hide my Oscar pleasure from most people I know, who think I’m stupid for being so starstruck over all the glittery gowns and emaciated actors strutting down the red carpet.
    Plus, agreed about Russell Crowe. I’ve never seen him look so lost in a role. But gotta admire his cojones for even trying a role that’s pretty much all singing.
    Are you going to start the wagering pool, or should I?

    • Somehow I had a feeling you were an Oscar whore too!!! I’m waiting to start wagering until I’ve seen Zero Dark Thirty and Django Unchained. So, I’ll be ready to jump into the fray by end of next week I think. In the meantime, feel free to start the pool!!!

Leave a Reply