Well, it’s that magical time of year again when we celebrate the lighting of the menorah so that baby Jesus could see the three wise men air their grievances and perform feats of strength.
Or something like that.
More importantly, it’s when you get to list out all the things you want without looking like a selfish, small-minded bitch. Yay!
I have my standard items that I tend to repeat each year but to no avail. Clearly Santa or the Maccabees or Shiva or whoever the hell should be bringing me shit is sitting around on their fat asses.
See, not unlike my approach to religion, I will follow any tradition to cover all bases on whomever it is who will actually give me presents. I am the whore of holidays.
It’s not like I want anything that outrageous either. Just the regular stuff like:
Balanced hormones.
Paul Rudd.
Awesome ‘stach, Broham.
A margarita party with Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph and Leslie Mann where they all have to fight each other to be chosen as my best friend.
A leather jacket.
A pet meerkat. No, a whole family of pet meerkats. Who can talk. And are gay and sassy. And can sing but not in an annoying way like The Chipmunks.
Are you kidding me???? Freaking AWESOME!
If all you Santa-like deities are really too lame to supply me with this totally rational list of wants and needs, then I will make due with only one item.
And that item is a butler.
I’ll admit, I am after a pretty hybrid kind of servant here. But, if you can’t customize, what the hell good are you.
I want the intelligent, snarky, grandfatherly wisdom of John Gielgud as Hobson in Arthur.
I find you repugnant and yet I serve you.
And, he’s had LOADS of experience dealing with super drunk people so a big plus for him…and me.
Mix him with the gay drama and fashion sense of Hank Azaria as Agador Spartacus from The Birdcage.
The mix of taffeta and corduroy upsets me.
And, he shall be referred to as Hobacus and we will live happily ever after.
If my butler request is really too much for you to handle, I’ll settle for Paul Rudd and the meerkats. See, I’m not unreasonable.
As you ponder your own Hanukkah, Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza or Festivus list, I leave you with this vision of MY holiday deity for your viewing pleasure.
Cornelius X. Spacklestein:
The Non-denominational Holiday Meerkat
I guess it’s blog etiquette for me to add you to my blog roll too– thank GOD you’re funny and awesome and not some ass hat.
Oh, I can be an ass hat, rest assured. But I do try to reign it in when possible. And, only put me on if you want to. Etiquette has NEVER been my strong point. But, if you do, THANK YOU!!!
You always make me laugh out loud! Loving the non-denominational holiday meerkat,although he looks a bit disturbed. And LOVE the name Hobacus. I think it’s a perfect butler name. If I get a Hobacus for my holiday gift, I am going to train him to say “YOU RANG?” in the voice Lurch, the butler from The Addams Family. He could say it when people ring the doorbell or when they call the house. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Totally awesome!!! I may even throw a dash of Riff Raff (from Rocky Horror Picture Show) in just to keep it lively!
YES. I’ve been asking for my own butler for years! Or a 2nd wife/husband who wants to live at home and is a compulsive housecleaner and dreams of shlepping kids around in a smelly Camry.
Wow. Before reading your post, I didn’t even know I wanted a butler for Christmas….now it’s #1 on my list. Not any butler though. John Gielgud. Hope Santa knows how to clone.
I think I could get a real trend going here!!
I don’t know how you juggle your career and your hilarious blog but I am so glad you do! Love this. Anybody who runs a photo of Agadore Spartacus is all right in my books!
BAHAHAHA I am in love with that Meerkat dressed as Hugh Hefner. I might make out with him, if given the opportunity. Even if he were a female.
I love your blog!! You’re going on my blog roll – because I had twins and, believe me, if I thought I drank a lot before that, I hadn’t even scratched the surface!
Oh my gosh, thank you SO much! I just started, and I’m so flattered that you like it! Yours is hysterical, too. Found you on The Bloggess, who is like our Mother Ship
She really is, isn’t she?! I am always about any kind of mommy humor that shows the lunacy of children. Don’t know why more people don’t admit it’s all a fucked up hot mess….
HA! I’m with ya on the Paul Rudd thing.
You are one weird and clever lady, and I think I love you. And I too want a meerkat.
Great, now in addition to a new car I know I probably won’t get, now I want a meerkat. Thanks a lot.
