I am sure that I am far from alone when I exclaim that I FREAKING HATE ELECTION YEARS. If I hear one more pundit who thinks I give a shit about what they think I’ll literally vomit.
I have often wondered what kind of person becomes a pundit anyway. Were they particularly annoying and opinionated children with volume control issues?
I want to stab them all in the throat.
I understand that there are times when we can act like a nation of slobbering idiots who can’t dress ourselves without seeing what poor derelict is being made over on What Not To Wear. We can’t take a shit without finding out what Dr. Oz will say about its consistency and fiber content. I’m frankly amazed we have survived the loss of Oprah on network television.
Those times disappoint me. But, times like last night make me happy. Not because of who won but because of how many people spoke out and insisted on being heard.
So, while I hate pundits (on pretty much all sides of the fence) I will now abuse you with some of my observations from our dalliance with democracy. I will, however, attempt to keep my volume at a sane level.
The Undecided Voter
A lot has been said about the Undecided Voter, who I have chosen to call “Terry.” With candidates as opposite as ours, I have a hard time understanding what “Terry” is undecided about. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that “Terry” is so high that he/she can’t quite follow any of it and, once he/she saw that legalizing marijuana was on any ballot, only voted on that, thereby passing it in several states.
So, “Terry,” I only hope you do better deciding between the bag of Doritos and the carton of Ben and Jerry’s.
The Year is 2012
The GOP is kind of like the Catholic church. It’s a new world and you need to realize the landscape has changed. Alienating women, Hispanics, gays and blacks isn’t going to get you too terribly far. Our culture and the issues around it have changed significantly and it won’t be going back. There’s some good stuff on the Republican side, you just need to spruce it all up to be relevant in our time and appropriate for who your audience is now.
And yes, we are all smoking the marijuana cigarettes now so please speak slowly.
Diane Sawyer, I can’t quite tell if you were seriously tanked or you had a stroke. WTF, girlfriend? Sit up straight and steady yourself, woman!
Karl Rove, why are you such a nasty old douchbag? What terrible shit went down in your life to make you so very unlikable? You actually give Republicans and conservatives a bad name that I think many do not deserve. Acting like a belligerent man-child bully on national television is not the way to influence.
Unrealistic Expectations of Mere Mortals
Obama is not a black Jesus and Romney’s magic skivvies will not save the economy or anything else. Why do people insist on making these MORTAL MEN anything other than that? I believe, at their core, both Romney and Obama honestly think they are doing the right thing for the country. We should neither vilify them nor expect them to be saints.
I Finally Like Twitter
I have been a Twitter Hater (Twater?) and have only succumbed to it grudgingly because all those social media whores out there said I should, thereby turning me into a social media whore-in-training.
However, last night was by far one of the most entertaining elections I’ve been a part of because of some of the brilliant and hilarious posts. So, to hopefully end on a high note, some highlights:
Either those flags are tiny or everyone in Chicago are giants.
Don’t feel bad for Mitt Romney. He can always go back to being the guy kayaking in any Lipitor commercial.
Why is the Empire State Building lit up in blue? Did a new Smurf movie open tonight?
SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: Mitt Romney Helps American Man Keep His Job
“You’re still the president of this family, honey.” “Shut up, Ann.”
Wait – Obama’s black?
IT IS NO LONGER A PROJECTION. IT IS OFFICIAL: I’m kind of a fan of Sea Breeze cocktails!
What a sad day for legitimate and illegitimate rapists.
Has Michelle won First Lady yet? ‘Cause if SHE loses…. Awkward.
Why is the same show on EVERY CHANNEL?
The people in the bar I’m at just wildly cheered Obama winning California and Hawaii. They also cheered when I said the sky was blue.
Peeing into a bottle on my couch.
THE RESULTS ARE IN IN OHIO: my step-cousin Jaden is OFFICIALLY the new day-shift manager of the Hardee’s on Coleman Road.
Sleep tight, America, and know that – no matter who you voted for – tomorrow we will wake up united in our hatred of wobbly tables.