Personal Space Invaders

Personal Space Invaders

At one time or another we have all come across one. Some of you may even be one. What I speak of is the Close Talker, the all-too-frequent person who just loves to get all up in your space.

It seems like, and this may just be me and my pile of neurosis, but the universally agreed-upon personal space boundary of 18 inches to 4 feet seems to be in jeopardy. I’d love to think it’s simply my exceptional magnetism that is causing people to stick to me like flies on shit, but I believe it may be a wider spread problem.

It seems to crop up all over the place. At work, social events, standing in lines. Who hasn’t had that  person behind you in line seeming to climb up on your back while waiting to buy their Hot Pockets and Tab?

No one will take your crappy food products, honey. Back off and relax. Do NOT make me mark my territory….because I will. In fact, it’s one of the few times when I sort of wish I had a penis, as marking off that distance would be much more effective with that tool at my disposal.

We are not in China, people! We have wide open prairies here.

We are not in China, people! We have wide open prairies here.

Then, there are those who get up in your junk because they are simply liquored up. These people live in the “negative-space” world where they actually seem to try to crawl inside of you.

Now, I understand situational space limitations when one needs a drink at a crowded bar. I’m not an animal, people. I have feelings.

Barkeep! Another Gin Fizz for the little lady!!

But, if you are pushing your way in for, let’s say, your 10th drink, I no longer have the empathy I would have had for your 1st or 2nd.

I had an experience just recently with this exact situation. While standing at the bar of a groovy new hotspot I started to feel a strange pressure against my back that slowly turned into a full-body press. When I turned around to see who my assailant was, I realized it was a famous person who I will refer to as “Sam” because that is his name.

This fine establishment was obviously not his first stop of the night as he was doing that squinty-eyed swaying sort of thing that indicates either an astigmatism and vertigo or being tanked. Me thinks it was the latter.

So, instead of swaying and toppling over, why not just lean up against someone and hope they don’t make any sudden moves. Find a human lamp post, as it were. And if said lamp post is a woman, and I am a drunk dude, all the better.

I was a human lamp post to the stars. A very proud moment for me. Though not so much for him as he was soon escorted out of the place.

So, the moral of  the story is simply this:

Back the hell off!!!!

I will leave you all with this educational film. Watch it and learn. And, by God, stand your ground!


10 Responses »

  1. Has to be one of the best Seinfeld clips of all time! You also have to watch for close talkers from other cultures. Americans pretty much have the largest “personable bubble” and I have a friend from South America whom I adore, but when she talks or listens, she gets reaaaaaalllllllyyyyy close to my face. I sort of freak out a bit every time.

  2. Such a great clip, I don’t how he kept a straight face in that scene! I’m big on personal space- it’s hard for me to go out to really crowded places any more for that reason. No human sardine thing for me.
    Who is this mysterious Sam, I’d love if you could give a hint:)

  3. I am so very honored that our brush with (drunk and horny) greatness made the cut and was deemed blog worthy! I was THERE people – I was there and witnessed Irene’s celeb brush-up. Truthfully, I thought Irene & Sam were doing the bunny hop at first. It was almost as cute and cuddly! Proof positive, Irene – you’ve got the right stuff.

    • I tend to notice, “not Jessica” that these odd things always seem to happen when I’m with you. Coincidence? Doubtful.

    • One of my all time favorite Seinfeld moments. Wish I could have put the scene when Judge Reinhold close talked Kramer…that’s a classic too!

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