Please Stop Annoying Me!

Please Stop Annoying Me!

Here’s another list of crap that just hacks me off. Clearly, I don’t get out all that much. And, I probably should just take a Pamprin and call it a day.

(I apologize in advance if any of you loyal readers do this stuff but I suspect, if you do, you do it ironically.)

To pedestrians who take their time walking in front of your car in a parking lot:

Is this your sad little attempt at power? Like even though you know my big metal machine can squash you like a bug, you assume I won’t actually hit the gas and do it. Are you double-dog daring me?  Cuz’ you don’t want to do that….

To people with vanity plates:

I heart Salad.  (I actually saw this one, I swear.) Really?  You “heart” salad? And you think I give a shit that you do? Do you just want me to know you get all the roughage you need in your diet? Why would anyone spend extra money on such an inane license plate? I bet you have a grey ponytail. Don’t trip on your Birkenstocks on your way into your Iyengar yoga class, you tool.

Just as bad as this is the wiener (yes, I said wiener) who gets a vanity plate that makes no goddamned sense to anyone else. I do not need one more thing that confuses me in the world and fuck you for making me sit and stare at your inside joke at a stop sign.

To people with the cartoonish family stickers on their minivans:

It’s all I can do to not draw a big penis on your husband and boobs on you. That would be a family I’d party with.

Oh, and as an aside, I don’t give a crap if your kid is an honor student. Either they got someone else’s DNA or they cheated.

To the people who decorate their car for holidays:

What. The. Fuck?

To the spammers on blogs (or “Spaggers” as I call them):

I believe there is a Blog Spam Factory in China for this (ironically it’s probably right next to the Apple Factory). But, for Christ’s sake, learn English and/or even TRY to know the type of blog you are throwing your shit on. I feel the need to respond to just a few here:

From Peliculas Torrent:
“You recognize therefore significantly relating to this subject, produced me for my part believe it from a lot of numerous angles. It’s one thing to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your personal stuff’s excellent. All the time maintain it up!”

Hello Peliculas! Is Girl gaga our new pet name? So cute! And, believe me, dear friend, I do intend to all the time maintain it up. Thanks for the tip!

XOXOXO
Irene

From Diablo 3 gold grind:
“diablo 3 gold get diablo 3 gold here”

Diablo, really, put the roach down and think it through.

Yours,
Irene

From Pinterest Friending:
“Hello my family member! I want to say that this article is awesome, nice written and include almost all significant infos. I’d like to see more posts like this.”

Mr. Friending, I am on to you….by pretending to be a family member, you are hoping you will partake in the extreme wealth and title that will be doled out upon my demise. Well, my good man, I will demand a DNA test, so be warned!

Litigiously yours,
Irene Barnett, Esq.

From Ajuricaba:
“grandmapornwith young guys porn. This post shows the information which is close to standard.”

Ajuricaba, either you are a young man with some exceptionally deep-seeded issues with granny or you are granny with some exceptionally deep-seeded issues with your libido. Either way, I want to have drinks with both of you!

Thank you for allowing me to vent my displeasure. You are all my emotional equivalent of a high colonic.

Or, as my good friend livecam flatrate says: “I loved as much as you’ll receive performed right here.”

Well said, flatrate, well said.

 

10 Responses »

  1. Fabulous infos you offer here for one and every! Your writings are most rainbows. Should I offer pheasant niceties to you? Happy with moist!

    PS: You’re lucky. They NEVER tell me where I can get Diablo gold. Bastards.

  2. I guess it goes without saying that someone very close to me has a license plate that says MobyDick or WhiteWhale or something like that. Everyone thinks it’s with regard to penise size, but it’s a reference to the big white truck he drives. In his defense, I think he adopted it that way.

    • Ah, but at least I can figure out what the hell it says! And, I would just guess that he would prefer people assume it’s the whole penis size…I know I would if I had a penis!

  3. Hey, I got the one from Diablo3 too! I also got one that just said:
    la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula la pelicula.
    For your reading pleasure…

  4. Irene, you’re obviously from another planet . . . duh. Beings from that planet clearly “get” things. No idea why you’re here, other than perhaps to send amusing musings back to the home plant.

  5. Yesterday, while backing out of a spot at RiteAid, a woman approaching my left rear bumper shot me a look to kill. I realized that there were two little girls with her – maybe 5 and 6 – who were walking ahead of her, holding hands – BUT NOT HER HAND! – and they were right behind my car! Now I had been driving slowly and looking around but come on. Was she using her kids as some sort of parking lot human shields or little hip guards? And I was paying attention, but most people are texting, picking their noses and painting their toenails while driving, so why do pedestrians still think that arrogant walking trumps driving blindly? Humans, hrumpf.

  6. Are you in my head?! ARE YOU?!!! I believe that I have the most silent car in the world, even though it’s not a Prius, it’s a 16 year old Toyota Camry with a loose hose. But being silent is the ONLY thing that explains why pedestrians let me tap their asses with my car. And spam, bet it sent to my e-mail or posted on your blog–we’re really supposed to believe they’re authentic humans? Uh-huh. Not to be unkined, but how does anyone believe that the President of Africa is going to give them a million dollars? Really? Oh, and btw, Mr/Ms Spamsalot, I DO NOT care if your pills will make my penis larger. I’m a girl.
    Irene, I heart you. And I’m a real person.

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