Here’s another list of crap that just hacks me off. Clearly, I don’t get out all that much. And, I probably should just take a Pamprin and call it a day.
(I apologize in advance if any of you loyal readers do this stuff but I suspect, if you do, you do it ironically.)
To pedestrians who take their time walking in front of your car in a parking lot:
Is this your sad little attempt at power? Like even though you know my big metal machine can squash you like a bug, you assume I won’t actually hit the gas and do it. Are you double-dog daring me? Cuz’ you don’t want to do that….
To people with vanity plates:
I heart Salad. (I actually saw this one, I swear.) Really? You “heart” salad? And you think I give a shit that you do? Do you just want me to know you get all the roughage you need in your diet? Why would anyone spend extra money on such an inane license plate? I bet you have a grey ponytail. Don’t trip on your Birkenstocks on your way into your Iyengar yoga class, you tool.
Just as bad as this is the wiener (yes, I said wiener) who gets a vanity plate that makes no goddamned sense to anyone else. I do not need one more thing that confuses me in the world and fuck you for making me sit and stare at your inside joke at a stop sign.
To people with the cartoonish family stickers on their minivans:
It’s all I can do to not draw a big penis on your husband and boobs on you. That would be a family I’d party with.
Oh, and as an aside, I don’t give a crap if your kid is an honor student. Either they got someone else’s DNA or they cheated.
To the people who decorate their car for holidays:
What. The. Fuck?
To the spammers on blogs (or “Spaggers” as I call them):
I believe there is a Blog Spam Factory in China for this (ironically it’s probably right next to the Apple Factory). But, for Christ’s sake, learn English and/or even TRY to know the type of blog you are throwing your shit on. I feel the need to respond to just a few here:
From Peliculas Torrent:
“You recognize therefore significantly relating to this subject, produced me for my part believe it from a lot of numerous angles. It’s one thing to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your personal stuff’s excellent. All the time maintain it up!”
Hello Peliculas! Is Girl gaga our new pet name? So cute! And, believe me, dear friend, I do intend to all the time maintain it up. Thanks for the tip!
From Diablo 3 gold grind:
“diablo 3 gold get diablo 3 gold here”
Diablo, really, put the roach down and think it through.
From Pinterest Friending:
“Hello my family member! I want to say that this article is awesome, nice written and include almost all significant infos. I’d like to see more posts like this.”
Mr. Friending, I am on to you….by pretending to be a family member, you are hoping you will partake in the extreme wealth and title that will be doled out upon my demise. Well, my good man, I will demand a DNA test, so be warned!
Irene Barnett, Esq.
“grandmapornwith young guys porn. This post shows the information which is close to standard.”
Ajuricaba, either you are a young man with some exceptionally deep-seeded issues with granny or you are granny with some exceptionally deep-seeded issues with your libido. Either way, I want to have drinks with both of you!
Thank you for allowing me to vent my displeasure. You are all my emotional equivalent of a high colonic.
Or, as my good friend livecam flatrate says: “I loved as much as you’ll receive performed right here.”
Well said, flatrate, well said.