Tag Archives: Fame

I Am An Oscar Whore

I Am An Oscar Whore

You see, I am a whore for the Oscars. I am. And, yes, I feel a level of shame in this fact. I’m not necessarily a beautiful, shorn, singing, consumptive whore like Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables. But a whore none the less.

image2

Wow, my life sucks.

I know, it’s all fixed, political, not about art, blah blah blah. I get that but, not unlike Lucha Libre and my body fat percentage, I choose to ignore the truth.

Chicken man is totally going to take down Skeleton guy.

Chicken man is totally going to take down Skeleton guy.

I won’t claim to be above loving all the pretty stars, their designer gowns or all the pomp and circumstance. I do love me a red carpet.

But beyond that, it’s one of the rare times that the dirty, crazed, slovenly writers finally get a little love and attention.

Ever since Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, a couple of unknown upstarts, won for Best Original Screenplay for Good Will Hunting, I’ve gotten very choked up when the writers have their moment.

A really smart screenplay with awesome dialog makes me weep. So, either I’m hormonally unbalanced or there aren’t nearly enough good screenplays. My suspicion is it’s both.

As for the actual viewing of the awards ceremony, I’m an Oscar Nazi. I’m not necessarily a steely-eyed, milk-drinking, psychopath like Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds (yes, that’s spelled right). But a Nazi none the less.

Now, vat did vee say about noise? You disappoint me.

Now, vat did vee say about noise? You disappoint me.

I will abide NO chatting, visiting, commenting or mumbling during the actual show. Any Chatty Cathy’s will be throat punched. And, I don’t give a shit if it’s during the best Lithuanian Foley Artist acceptance speech. This is a fucking huge night for Jurgi and by God, let the man have his moment in the sun!

I haven’t seen everything yet but plan on it before the Big Show. In the meantime, here are some of my impressions thus far.

And, don’t worry, I WILL NEVER BE A SPOILER! If I lack integrity everywhere else in my life, I solidly maintain it in this one thing.

Les Miserables  If Anne Hathaway doesn’t reduce you to a quivering jellyfish of tears, you sir, are made of stone and I wash my hands of you! However, a word of warning – they actually SING everything in this movie. Just be prepared. And, if you are even partially  human, bring a gross ton of tissue to sop up your eye juice because you will be dehydrated by the time this thing is done.

I will ask though, what the hell were they thinking with Russell Crow? He was clearly as uncomfortable in that movie as a nun with an STD.

Argo  A friend of mine put it perfectly – “It’s like Jaws without sharks.” It’s true, the tension is stroke-inducing before the opening credits have even begun.

Wonderful to see Ben Affleck getting his shit together post Gigli. It was an awesome movie – loved it!

While it did get a best picture nod, I’m annoyed Ben was passed up for Best Director. But, again, I will turn a blind eye to this slight and be dazzled by whatever Halle Berry is wearing.

Silver Lining Playbook   Great movie. Finally seeing Robert De Niro act again instead of phoning in crap like Meet The Fockers was refreshing. He plays OCD lunatic with a heart like no one ever could.

He’s married to a perfectly quivery and uncomfortable Jacki Weaver.

Bradley Cooper is awesome but looks like he smells like wet feet.

And Katniss Everdeen is even more sulky than during the reaping.

Lincoln  Oh, Danny Day, what planet are you from? The planet of insanely good actors who are probably impossible to deal with in real life? Mr. Method nails everything he does but can you imagine being married to him and asking Mr. Lincoln to take the garbage out or burn a damned match in here when you’re done?

I bet a dead Civil War-era president can really stink up a bathroom.

Life of Pi  Light up a spliff and see this thing with a gallon of popcorn. It’s the prettiest damned movie I’ve seen. And, if you see it in 3-D I think you may see God.

Beasts of the Southern Wild   The little girl in this movie, Quvenzhané Wallis, cannot be for real.  She acted the crap out of everyone on the Best Actress list. And she’s like 5!! And this is her first real movie role!

My kids are double that age and can barely function like a human so I choose to believe she is a 30-year-old midget and my parenting skills go unchallenged.

So, to wrap this thing up, I am a hormonal Nazi whore who has a fondness for good writing. Sounds like the start of a fantastic screenplay!

Yes, Another Annoying Best of 2012 List

Yes, Another Annoying Best of 2012 List

imageI know there are easily a gazillion best-of lists out there so I totally forgive you if you are getting to the point where you can’t take one more. But, as you know, your comfort has never been my paramount concern so…..and, I’m just a huge, lazy ass.

One of my favorite things from 2012 was the realization that there are a million exceptionally non-famous funny people in the world. Many of these lunatics are just as funny as the most famous comedians out there. It’s really the number one thing that keeps me somewhat hopeful for our species.

So, without further ado, I present some things that made me happy this year.

Noo Yorque Times Top 5 Left of Plumb Posts (because I am learning about shameless self-promotion)

Hobo With An Attitude

Scenes From a Coffice

Dear God; RE: Anne Hathaway

I Was Plucked By The Original Jersey Girl

Glitterati In The Mist

My Favorite Pop Culture Travesties

50 Shades of Gray – The revelation that middle-aged women are horny nymphomaniacs changed the way I look at all middle-aged women.

Magic Mike – See above entry….forgive the pun.

Liz and Dick – In the ongoing train wreck that is La Lohan, we got to watch her barreling toward the brick wall for a full 2 hours.

Hulk Hogan – Ish. I never did get around to doing a post about this one….I think I’m still throwing up in my mouth when I think of it.

Hunger Games – Hatefully addictive. My personal skeleton in my closet of shame.

My Online Humor Discoveries

KidFreeLiving – Amy VanSant is so freakin’ funny it completely pisses me off!

TheBloggess – Has anyone on the planet NOT read and fallen in love with Jenny Lawson? She is the sassy matriarch of blogging!

Bad Lip Reading – I weep uncontrollably with laughter at every one of these and check the site like a rabid stalker to see what new videos they have posted.

Twitter, in general

I really really really really hate to admit this but have been exceptionally entertained by Twitter. Before this year, I looked upon it with scorn and malice as a place for whiney, needy people to talk about the consistency of their morning constitutions. I now see that, if you follow the right people, it is HILARIOUS.

My Favorite Tweeters (though the list could be pages long….)

God @tweetofgod

Amy Vansant ‏‪@KidFreeLiving‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Jim Gaffigan ‏‪@JimGaffigan‬

Kevin Seccia ‏‪@kevinseccia‬

Dave Hill ‏‪@mrdavehill

Best Political Tweets

What a sad day for legitimate and illegitimate rapists. ~Matt Roller ‏‪@rolldiggity‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

If you have never had the misfortune to be raped, fight the urge to put on a suit and talk expansively about its’ meaning. ~Uncle Dynamite ‏‪@UncleDynamite‬‬‬‬‬‬

Enjoy your gay marryjuana, Seattle! ~God @tweetofgod

IT IS NO LONGER A PROJECTION. IT IS OFFICIAL: I’m kind of a fan of Sea Breeze cocktails! ~Ted Travelstead ‏‪@trumpetcake‬

Has Michelle won First Lady yet? ‘Cause if SHE loses…. Awkward. ~ Dana Gould @DanaJGould

Why is the same show on EVERY CHANNEL? ~ Mike Birbiglia ‏‪@birbigs‬

THE RESULTS ARE IN IN OHIO: my step-cousin Jaden is OFFICIALLY the new day-shift manager of the Hardee’s on Coleman Road. ~ Ted Travelstead ‏‪@trumpetcake‬

Sleep tight, America, and know that – no matter who you voted for – tomorrow we will wake up united in our hatred of wobbly tables. ~ The Bloggess @thebloggess

There are more of these, that I love, here: My Election Hangover

Tweets That Made Me Wet Myself

Who wants to see my wiener? Shit. How do I delete on this thing? ~ Dave Hill ‏‪@mrdavehill‬‬

Jedediah leaned upon his rake and said to Isaac, “Thy wife makes a goodly pie.” “I thank thee,” said Isaac. “Most humbly.” ‪#AmishErotica‬‬‬‬‬‬‬ ~ Uncle Dynamite ‏‪@UncleDynamite‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

I just tripped, fell and then farted while walking up an escalator and now I have the ability to move objects with my mind. ~ Jerm Himselfish ‏‪@JermHimselfish‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots. ~ Jeffrey Hadz ‏‪@Hadzilla‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

The thesaurus on Microsoft Word is not very… how do I put this… “good” ~ B.J. Novak ‏‪@bjnovak‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Are humans the only mammals that blow each other? I’m asking for a friend. ~Dana Gould ‏‪@DanaJGould‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

HOLY SHIT. Is there a sign on my office door that says ‘C’mon in and fart the place up?’ ~Evan ‏‪@evanrhorne‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Whenever someone invites me to go golfing I always think, “Wow, this person knows absolutely nothing about me.” ~Jim Gaffigan ‏‪@JimGaffigan‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

The downside of having a bad memory is occasionally forgetting and then remembering the existence of Mr. Holland’s Opus. ~Kevin Seccia ‏‪@kevinseccia‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

“Maybe we can sell more clams if we put them in a liquid that looks like vomit?” – Inventor of clam chowder. ~Jim Gaffigan ‏‪@JimGaffigan‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Realized I was still chewing a piece of bacon as I sat on the toilet, hence discovering the elusive EIGHTH Habit of Highly Effective People. ~Amy Vansant ‏‪@KidFreeLiving‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Got my wig caught in my braces again. ~Ted Travelstead ‏‪@trumpetcake‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

If I’m ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works… ~Gordon McCleary ‏‪@ASouthernYankee‬‬‬‬‬‬

Our son HATES the rectal thermometer. Ugh, teenagers! ~rob delaney ‏‪@robdelaney‬‬‬‬‬

The worst part about being omniscient is that I can never not know what Newt Gingrich looks like naked. ~God ‏‪@TheTweetOfGod‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

In closing, if I can continue to find even more to laugh about in 2013, I think I just may survive! And, here are some pictures to leave you with that just simply made me smile cuz’ they are kinda weird.

dancing sheep

Look at me! I’m one sassy ewe, girlfriend!

You do know I'll kill you in your sleep for doing this to me....right after I eat these Cheetos.

You do know I’ll kill you in your sleep….right after I eat these here Cheetos.

I’ve gotta feeling…..that tonight’s gonna be a good night…..

 

Your Criminal “Horror”scope

Your Criminal “Horror”scope

A few years ago I decided to get my horoscope read by a “professional”. And by “professional” I mean a carny in a leather jerkin at a renaissance faire.

Evidently, I was supposed to come into some sort of incredible wealth this year. All I can say is that the tires on my car are bald and one of the cupboard doors in my kitchen fell off and hit me in the head. Maybe the carny was having an off day.

As a retaliation for my not becoming wealthy and just because I really hate renaissance faires, I decided to compile a more useful horoscope or “horror”-scope if you will.

Enjoy! And if you happen to live next door to a Cancer, use your deadbolt tonight!

Seriously.

Aquarius – Jan. 20–Feb. 18
Your Criminal Tendencies: Aquarians are hackers, hustlers and con artists involved mainly in manipulation. They usually commit crimes based on revenge.
In good company: Dick Cheney, Glenn Beck, Jerry Springer, Kim Jong Il

Wow, you are in the company of some world-class assholes. Well done! Maybe it’s because, like the others on your list, you are inflexible and stubborn and don’t care about facts.

Vengeance is yours! so go get it! Today is a good day to smite your retractors because Uranus is in retrograde (I just wanted to say Uranus).

Pisces – Feb. 19–Mar. 20
Your Criminal Tendencies: Pisces are mostly involved in drug-related crimes.
In good company: Osama Bin Laden, John Wayne Gacy, Justin Bieber

As much as I hate to admit it, I tend to hang with the fish a bit. I have a soft spot for lazy, escapist drug addicts. Today do NOT watch any sad movies. You’re on the downside of your constant emotional roller coaster and need to dose up on your antipsychotic meds.

Aries – Mar. 21–Apr. 19
Your Criminal Tendencies: Aries are usually criminals for hire and are heavily armed.
In good company: Adolph Hitler

You are self-centered, egotistical, moody and selfish. You are a huge douche. You are the astrological equivalent to a Real Housewife of Orange County, throwing drinks into the faces of all the other astrological signs. Who the hell raised you? I mean, you are one with Hitler. Enough said.

So, today, just try not to be such a giant pain in everyone’s asses, OK?

Taurus – Apr. 20–May 20
Your Criminal Tendencies: Taurus is quite dangerous and temperamental. They are usually involved in money laundering as they are clever and do most of their crimes in solitude.
In good company: Vladimir Lenin, Saddam Hussein, Mark Zuckerberg

You are some scary, sneaky folks. What do you have going on down in that dark basement? You are the second most dangerous astrological sign on the chart. Couldn’t make the cut for number one? Must be that lazy streak you have. You also are very self-indulgent so today is a very fortuitous day for buying stuff you don’t need like solid gold urinals.

Gemini – May 21–June 21
Your Criminal Tendencies: Geminis get involved in crimes involving fraud as they are con artists and thieves. The Gemini criminal tends to not take things seriously.
In good company: Marquis de Sade, Donald Trump, David Berkowitz (Son of Sam killer), Jeffry Dahmer

You guys are wound way too tight. You’re twitchy, creepy and giggly. You are like Dracula’s lunatic sidekick, Renfield. It’s a banner day to steal someone’s identity so get out there and snatch some old lady’s purse, you spazzy knuckleheads!

Cancer – June 22–July 22
Your Criminal Tendencies: Cancers are the largest majority of criminals and most dangerous among all the zodiac signs. They are violent passion killers who kill multiple times and leave some kind of markings on their victims’ bodies to distinguish themselves. This kind of killer is usually thought to be mentally unstable.
In good company: King Henry VIII, John Dillinger, George W. Bush, Lizzie Borden

So, knowing how over-sensitive and unstable you are, I’m going to say that you should just try to not kill anyone today. You should just really focus on that. Not killing anyone. Maybe just stay home to be sure you don’t kill anyone, OK?

Just to be clear, leave people who are alive alone today.

Leo – July 23–Aug. 22
Your Criminal Tendencies: Leos are usually very dangerous and get involved in criminal activity for the sole reason of getting recognition.
In good company: Benito Mussolini, Grigori Rasputin, Mata Hari, Napoleon Bonaparte
But wait, there’s more: Hulk Hogan, Magic Johnson, Bill Clinton

You are an over-sexed group of unstable, syphilitic pervs. You are vain and crave drama and excitement.

Today is not the day to have casual sex because by mid-day you will have a herpes outbreak. So, give it a few days to clear up and then get back to it, tramp.

Virgo – Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Your Criminal Tendencies: Virgos are burglars and hackers and usually well-armed.
In good company: Ivan the Terrible, Slobodan Milosevic, Michael Jackson

You tend to be a nosy nelly, always interfering in other peoples business. Thus the burgling and hacking I suppose. Today may be a good day to hack into some bank accounts. I happen to know my asshole ex-boyfriend’s firewall is down.

Libra – Sept. 23–Oct. 23
Your Criminal Tendencies: Libras have the largest criminal percentage compared to the rest of the air signs. They are usually armed and very dangerous. Libras are usually corrupt people.
In good company: Lee Harvey Oswald, Jesse Helms, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Oddly, Snoop Dog and John Lennon are also Libras which leads me to believe you are the Jeff Spicoli of the zodiac – always high which makes you an unreliable underachiever. Add your naturally corrupt nature and a handgun and you’ve got quite a combo.

Today you will get an unexpected invitation to a social event or party. It might be a good day to hold up a 7-Eleven for cash and snacks.

Scorpio – Oct. 24–Nov. 21
Your Criminal Tendencies: Scorpios are sadistic with hot tempers.
In good company: Charles Manson, Marie Antoinette, Senator Joseph McCarthy

If you are noticing missing pets in the neighborhood, you may want to see if there is a Scorpio around. Lock your cats and dogs up if these freaks are in the vicinity.

You have big control issues and tend to go all apeshit if you feel you don’t have that control.

Let’s not drive today, shall we? A gum-chewing texter is going to cut you off and it will all go downhill from there.

Sagittarius – Nov. 22–Dec. 21
Your Criminal Tendencies: Sagittarius are con artists, robbers and thieves. They do not, in most cases, hurt their victims. Sagittarius has a high population of criminals but they are difficult to capture.
In good company: Joseph Stalin, Ted Bundy

You guys are the lovable near-do-wells of the zodiac chart. You are always up for the sport of criminal activity. But, you are a wily group to be sure and hard to catch.

I say, do whatever the fuck you want today – you’re not going to get caught anyway!

Capricorn – Dec. 22–Jan. 19
Your Criminal Tendencies: Capricorns are usually all-around criminals. Capricorns are mostly involved in organized crime and are rated as being more sadistic than Scorpio.
In good company: Richard Nixon, Idi Amin, Sun Ming Moon, Rush Limbaugh, Benedict Arnold

Nice! You’ve beat out Scorpio in the sadistic category! Good for you!

You are a criminal generalist.  You are conceited, distrusting control freaks. You live for a good conspiracy theory. If your sign had a currency, Rush Limbaugh’s face would be on it.

Today is a great day to start a new project. Like heading to a remote cabin in North Idaho to build that bomb you’ve been putting off.

The Lohan Paradox – Our Cultural Dust Bowl

The Lohan Paradox – Our Cultural Dust Bowl
Tina Fey and Lindsay Lohan 2012

It’s not looking good Linds. Not. Looking. Good.

This past Sunday I watched The Dust Bowl by Ken Burns on PBS because that’s the kind of high-falutin’ broad I am.

I’ve always been intrigued by this piece of history because it seems to be so absurdly biblical in size and tone. From the sky going black in the middle of the day to the locusts, it smacks of the rapture.

It was a fantastic show and I learned a lot. Especially about the general futility of dusting.

But, after watching all the death, depression, suicide and dirt, I needed a drink and to surf to a show that would balance the sadness and make me feel a bit more lighthearted.

But, instead, I had the exceptional misfortune of coming across Liz and Dick on Lifetime.

Like a lot of you, I’ve been hearing about Lindsay playing Elizabeth Taylor for months and months as the big event that will give La Lohan’s career a second (or third or fourth) chance.

I can only hope that there is an infinite number of second chances in the universe or I will be sorely vexed by the Lohans, Downey Jrs. and Gibsons of the world.

So, figuring that nothing could be as devastating as the Dust Bowl, I hunkered down with my box of Good & Plenty’s and joined the other 3.5 million of you.

Wow. I was so wrong. This was actually much harder to watch than poor farmers losing their homes and land, losing children to lung disease and families starving.

So, in light of this, I will now write an open letter to the director, producer, exec or other brainchild who decided it would be a great idea to crap all over the memory of one of our celebrity legends.

Dear Lifetime Miscreants,

I get it, I really do. There is major bank to be made by casting Lindsay Lohan in just about anything. I know that, as experts in “Television for Women”, you are well aware that those of us with a vagina are none too keen on math.

Instead, in your worldview,  we dedicate ourselves to killing our husbands whilst in a jealous rage, seeking counseling for our alcoholism due to our sexual abuse as children, or we are unjustly deterred in an all-women’s prison all the while looking pretty hot.

But, I gotta figure that, you guys were thinking you’d be raking in some serious cash on the backs of all of the train-wreck watchers.

I have never been a big fan of LiLo as she has repeatedly pooped all over my most beloved childhood memories. Herbie Fully Loaded was a blow, but The Parent Trap put me into the fetal position. I’m sure Hayley Mills is rolling over in her grave.

The Parent Trap

We know, Hayley, it makes no sense to us either!

(I just looked it up and Hayley Mills is very much alive and not actually all that old so I officially apologize to Ms. Mills.)

But, beyond the Disney remakes, Lindsay is simply not a very good actress. She got by on freckled cuteness fine at the beginning but that charm is loooong gone.

With the exception of Mean Girls, which was good ONLY because of Tina Fey’s writing (a stump can be hilarious if Tina writes for it). I sort of want a shot of penicillin just looking at her.

There are dozens of other talented actresses who could have kicked butt in the role of Elizabeth Taylor. But, I understand, talent is not what this was about.

Here, let me get out my pink, bedazzled abacus and give this math thing a run: Given the cost of insuring someone like Lindsay Lohan (easily $400,000 PER DAY to keep her off whatever she’s on) the advertising dollars could still make up for it (probably to the tune of $300,000 for a 30-second spot). But, then factor in that you got only about half the viewers you thought you’d get…

Ouch.

Not that you run the risk of losing your farms or being descended upon by locusts. Doubtful that there will be any really long-term pain from this.

Except, of course, your contribution to our cultural Dust Bowl.

Yeah, thanks for that.

Sincerely,

Long time critic, first time watcher.

 

Celebrity Vomiting: Bad Food Choice Or An Evil Plan For World Domination?

Celebrity Vomiting: Bad Food Choice Or An Evil Plan For World Domination?

None of you can possibly think that I could pass up the opportunity to comment on the rash of celebrity vomiting we’ve seen in the past two weeks. It would be no more possible for me to stop the flow of snark than it would be for them to stop the flow of spaghetti and milk they had before going on stage.

I’m sure Bieber and Gag (sorry, forgot that second “a”….what was I thinking?) are not the first to toss their cookies in public. Hell, a lot of them throw up while laying down and end up dying so….just putting a positive spin on the whole thing.

I have a few theories about what’s going on with all this spewing.

It’s highly possible that retching is the new re-hab. I’m really hoping this is not going to catch on as some sort of publicity stunt like anger management or anti-Semitism. I’m waiting for the moment Mel Gibson pukes all over a CHP officer. Though, I highly suspect that may have already happened at some point.

I have a fairly healthy case of Emetophobia, which is a fear of vomiting…which I just looked up because I literally have information at my fingertips, thank you Bill Gates and the Google Guys! But, doesn’t EVERYONE on the planet “suffer” from this perfectly reasonable disorder?  I don’t get why we need an actual word for it.

If you don’t suffer from Emetophobia then we have a whole other blog topic right there.

I just pray we don’t get inundated with reality shows like “Celebrity Horking” or “Hollywood Vomitorium”. Cuz’ that would just be wrong….yet possibly profitable.

(Dear TLC, call me.)

I also think it could be a new terrorist strategy. Forget the Zombie Apocalypse because this is WAY more frightening than slow-moving brain-eaters. It’s a sadistically brilliant plan. They are making a mockery of our cultural icons which in turn will break down our entire social structure. I’m not sure how this all links up because I am not a brilliant terrorist mastermind. But I trust they have a good plan.

I believed their first test run of this new strategy was the incident with Bush Sr. and the Japanese Prime Minister.  But, we’ve all had bad sushi so I’m going to let that one go.

I wouldn’t want to come across as a whack job conspiracy theorist after all….

This terrorist group probably knows that none of us will help each other out because the chain effect would be too devastating to comprehend. They are strategically using our nationwide Emetophobia against us. Classic divide and conquer tactics.

So in order to prepare for either of the above mentioned scenarios, I decided to look up all the different terms for regurgitation. Well, it was probably less about preparation and more because it would appear I’m a 12-year-old boy and it’s kinda funny and super gross.

Anyway, here are a few choice cuts.

You’re welcome.

  • Barffalo Bill
  • Buick
  • Chorkle
  • Chow shower
  • Chumming
  • Disembarking dinner
  • Gale Force Burp
  • Gurping
  • Hwark
  • Involuntary personal protein spill
  • Laughing at the ground
  • Liquid scream
  • Mouth crying (a personal favorite)
  • Rooping
  • Uneat
  • Vurp  (a burp with a little vomit, see also; Shart)
  • Yark

 

To: God; Re: Anne Hathaway in Batman

To: God; Re: Anne Hathaway in Batman

To: God.Almighty@heaven.com

CC: Buddha@nliten.com, Shiva@rencarn8.com

BCC: Mephistopheles@newscorp.com,  Mel.Gibson@hell.com

Subject:  Oversight in creation – please make me Anne Hathaway

Hi God,

I know you are fairly booked up but wanted to see if we could find some time on our schedules to discuss a rather large oversight on your part.

I don’t want to point fingers or anything, I know we are all a team (some more functional members than others) but why did you see it fit to give all the good DNA to Anne Hathaway? After seeing The Dark Knight (by the way, THANK YOU for Joseph Gordon-Levitt) I could not help but notice the imbalance.

I’d hope you are not one to play favorites but wanted to just point out some areas for improvement. I have added a graphic for reference.

Anne Hathaway has legs up to her earlobes. I’m not even sure it’s possible to have legs that long but why not throw a few inches my way? Seems like she has more than is technically needed by a human.

Additionally, she does not appear to have a flaw on her skin…anywhere…at all. Perhaps you created her as a reference to the word “milky”. I do understand that it’s helpful to be able to point to specifics with adjectives but why reserve “ruddy” or “blotchy” for me?

Does she really need such big eyes and lips? Also, seems like these things could have been more evenly distributed amongst your flock.

I was going to add in her fabulous silky hair but I realized after she shaved her head for Les Miserable, it wasn’t even all that necessary. Though, one more thing she did get more than her fair share of.

If this seems like an unreasonable request, I am open to spit-balling a few other ideas. I’d be open to, say, a Kate Beckinsale or Penelope Cruz approach. Heck, if you were open to Tina Fey, I think we could make that happen.

Feel free to forward this to any other deities I may have missed who have signing power.

Oh, and thanks again for the “dying for our sins” project. Sorry that isn’t going as well as you had hoped but I really appreciate the effort.

Best regards,

Irene Barnett
General Manager, Sarcasm and Self-Deprecation (SSD) Division

Movie Review: Magic Mike (The Power of The Pectoral)

Movie Review: Magic Mike (The Power of The Pectoral)

I am your patron saint of protection from horrible pop culture. Bow before me.

The number of crappy books and shitty movies I will put myself through just so you don’t have to! You should all buy me a trophy or a medal or a new blender.

Once again, the mighty power of the horny middle-aged woman has reared her shiny, dyed head. They could rule the world if they took a break from the bodice-rippers and put down their Chardonnay long enough to join forces.

Several of these horny middle-aged women (herein referred to as HMAW) happen to be friends of mine and wanted me to join them to see Magic Mike. You know, the one about the best friends just working for a living in a skanky male strip club. Kind of like a nasty Laverne and Shirley.

HMAW: “But, Roger Ebert gave it two thumbs up!”

Me: “Didn’t he have a stroke or something?”

HMAW: “And, it’s directed by Steven Soderbergh. He did Traffic and is an Oscar-winner!”

Me: “Does he have kids in private school then? Why would he do a movie about strippers?”

HMAW: “Really, Irene, why wouldn’t you want to watch hot, naked men? The question is what is wrong with you?”

Me: <long pause> “Fair enough. OK.”

Anyhoo, I went because the pull of being snarky about bad entertainment is just too strong.

First thing I noticed was the clientele. It was a sea of mom jeans with a smattering of long-suffering husbands. I have no idea what the argument may have been to get a husband to this movie but I would have liked to have been a fly on that wall. Or, of course, the husbands are gay. That would actually explain everything.

So, let’s start out with the good bits, shall we?

Hot. Naked. Young. Men. Well, most of them were. There was one Mickey Roarke look-alike (not 9 1/2 Weeks Mickey Roarke but The Wrestler Mickey Roarke) that I found disturbing and uncomfortable. And, I think whoever that actor was also felt disturbed and uncomfortable. The rest, however, were young, tight and exceptionally well-oiled.

I did, however, find myself thinking that I’d kill my kids if they ever did something like this. So, while I may not wear mom jeans on the outside, I clearly have some on inside my head.

Ummmm, I think that was it for the good bits.

OK, now for the bad bits.

It was dumb.  You could have muted this entire movie and known exactly what was happening and how it would end. In fact, bring your noise cancelling headphones, eat your Dots and just watch.

The story is as old as the bible. Gorgeous single guy with lots of chutzpah who just wants to make it in the world who has multiple sexual encounters with multiple women but really cares and has a heart of gold that gets him in trouble until a nice grounded girl comes along who believes in him and clearly doesn’t seem to care about the multiple venereal diseases that she has now exposed herself to.

Pretty sure that is exactly what happened in the book of Job.

Matthew McConaughey.  I know I am inviting the wrath of all women out there with this one. I can feel the collective stink eye right now. Go ahead, start putting your hate mail together, I am expecting it. But, he does nothing for me. And, in this movie, he was so ridiculous and such an asshole that I had a hard time watching him.

If you have other-worldly abs hanging off a douchebag, is it still hot? Probably but I feel compelled to ask the question.

Men gyrating and groin-thrusting at lightning speed. I know what it’s supposed to simulate and I don’t know that it would be all that pleasant. Slow it down, Sparky. I am not a construction site and you are not a jackhammer.

It’s impressive how they don’t appear to throw out their backs when doing this, I totally give them that. And, actually, (SPOILER ALERT!) my favorite part of the movie is when one of them actually does throw out their back.

But, men are not built for this kind of movement. They are stiff and utilitarian and that’s how they should be.

Call me old fashioned but I don’t want my men prancing about with jazz hands.

I’ve been to a male strip club before and I never got dry humped.  Should I take that personally? Maybe I’m just all sour grapes on this because I feel slighted. In this movie the women in the crowd were being whipped around like rag dolls, getting felt up and ground upon. My mind ping ponged between “Law suit! Law suit!” and “Purell! Purell!” the entire time.

There you have it, good citizens of the blogosphere. I can’t necessarily say you should not see it. I just feel it is my public duty to make you aware of what you are seeing….which is a whole lot of shiny, pretty men.

And there ain’t nuthin’ bad about that.

Glitterati in the Mist

Glitterati in the Mist

 

This story is the stuff of legend among my peers. They’ve heard it many times and I hate to repeat it but also feel it belongs in the annals of history as one of my more humiliating moments.

A friend of mine, who is clearly better connect than I am,  was able to get us into the Elton John post-Oscar party one year. Turns out there is also a party within a party for the select few who are closest to him. We actually had to be on TWO lists held by snotty people with clipboards.

I had not really been out of the house much over the two years or so before this event as I had been held hostage by small twin boys and had experienced something akin to Stockholm syndrome. So, my social skills were lacking unless you needed your diaper changed or some barf cleaned up. These skills had been perfected back in college and came in handy now that I had these two terrorists in my life.

When we arrived we had to walk the paparazzi plank past no less than 50 cameras with the longest lenses I’ve ever seen. Even with all the primping, exfoliating and waxing (twice) I did, not a flashbulb went off. In fact, the disappointment on their faces was just awkward. I’d be paying with ingrown hairs for weeks, you bastards.

We had to be very careful when roaming amongst these special colorful animals. We had to assume the somewhat bored vestige of our fellow partygoers. One spark of giddy recognition and we’d be left to wander the unfriendly night of West Hollywood. You must philosophically squat amongst them, mimicking their actions like Dian Fossey in an evening gown.

Once inside, I was introduced to Sir Elton and was very graciously hugged and kissed… on the mouth. This took me aback, as you may expect. I chalked it up to being gay and European. I find both do things with more panache.

Being surrounded by so many famous people is too much for the normal person to bear, let alone me. I was profoundly uncomfortable and did what any self-respecting human would do – I got good and liquored up. My blood alcohol level and 4-inch heels were a lethal combination. Keep in mind that most of these people are either on their way to rehab or have just gotten out so the sight of me swaying in the wind on my stilts may have made them a bit skittish.

Like all really great ideas when one is tanked, I decided I needed to let Sir know exactly how much I loved him when I was in Junior High and what Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy meant to me. I had been sitting on a low chair just a few feet from him and as I went to get up my dress got caught under one of my heels. This sent me tumbling directly toward Sir and, to break my fall I grabbed for the nearest thing, which happened to be his orange-colored head. A beefy hand caught me a mere centimeter before I would have tumbled fully into Sir’s lap. Sir squealed and gave me a look of such horror you’d think I was bathed in blood. He was promptly herded back to his pack by his wranglers.

Suddenly there was a buzz in the crowd. The herd began to get skittish again. I noticed a very small man in a very bright red suit. An alpha had just arrived. I can’t type his name, it was formerly one thing but now is a symbol that my computer keyboard cannot duplicate…though an elaborate calligraphy set might. He took up residence in a corner in classic defensive position so he could see his enemies approach.

Luckily, his entrance had taken any attention away from me and the intervention I’m sure they were all planning. So much for blending in and studying these creatures in their habitat. I found my colleagues and regrouped.

Now that my cover had been blown, we left and went back to the real world where I had an appropriately undignified end to the evening as I spent it on the soothingly cool tile floor of my friend’s bathroom.

OMG I’m on IMDb

OMG I’m on IMDb

Every now and then I feel compelled to do a Google search on myself. Mostly I want to see if there is another Irene Barnett out there with a more interesting life – there is a nephrologist in Los Angeles who looks to have a much better life than I do. (What the hell is a nephrologist anyway? I hope it doesn’t have anything to do with banging dead people.)

As it happens, the other day when I did this, I came up on IMDb as an “actress”. The first entry was a weird movie I worked on many many years ago with a crazed lunatic of a filmmaker. I bought his “workshop” and flew to Las Vegas with a bunch of other suckers to learn how to be a guerilla filmmaker in the likeness of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. This experience really deserves its own post as I was literally stuck in the middle of Death Valley with a Mormon, a born-again Christian, a stoned sound guy and a crazy ballerina who looked like Gloria Swanson – all at a haunted hotel. I shit you not. If we all walked into a bar it would be a set up for a good joke.

The other entry was much more interesting – evidently I was “East End Girl #1” (that’s right, suck it East End Girl #2) in a TV mini-series called Shoulder to Shoulder in 1974. Evidently, this series dramatized the lives of the Pankhurst women and their role in the Suffragette Movement.  Yeah, I don’t know what any of that means either. Since I was pre-pubescent in 1974 and would most likely have remembered doing a TV mini-series. I wonder if that was the nephrologist working her way through med school.

Whoever played East End Girl #1 must be pissed that I’m getting her credit. But no more pissed than East End Girl #2 who, undoubtedly, had a life strife with disappointment and failure. While I, on the other hand, ride high on my fame and fortune. Suck it East End Girl #1.