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The Tale Of The Milky-eyed Hero

The Tale Of The Milky-eyed Hero

I apologize if this is a story I’ve told before. My old brain don’t work quite like it used to. But it is a tale that is worth repeating for it shows the endurance of the human spirit.

So gather round, children, and let me tell you a story. It is a story of suspense, bravery and danger.  It is the ultimate tale of good versus evil.

Once upon a time, there lived a princess of mediocre beauty and figure who, due to unstable housing prices, was exiled to an old castle with a lot of delayed maintenance on top of a very high hill.

She whiled the days away working as a captured slave to a tyrannical and faceless computer demigod and, equally tyrannical, twin princes.

Each morning she would bravely face her day, picking fresh oranges from the royal orchard and frolicking with the woodland bunnies and magical hummingbirds.

One morning as our princess donned her new gown that the bunnies and hummingbirds had made for her from discarded beer cans, used band aids and yarn, her delicate senses were accosted by the most heinous of odors.

Try as she might she could not find the source of the stench but she knew, deep in the core of her being, nay in her very soul, that it was…


She scoured the kingdom in search of someone brave and strong enough to save her from the wicked gases emanating from deep within the castle walls. Everywhere she turned she heard the villagers say “Look for He who possesses an eye of white. The eye sees all.”

She continued to look for this mysterious man but to no avail as the smell grew more powerful with each passing day.

When she had all but given up hope, there came a mighty knock on the castle door.  Upon opening it she was stunned by the sight of the one who would save her. A man who, at first glance, looked ordinary enough but upon removing his eye shield, gazed upon her with one magical and knowing milky eye.

“I beseech you,” our princess pleaded, “Root out the evil and banish it from this place!”

“Yeah, I’m Andy from Animal Removal.”

Her every prayer had been answered!

The fearless Andy toiled bravely for a fortnight (or about 45 minutes), never losing hope no matter how overwhelming the quest became.

Finally, he emerged from the bowels of the castle, holding the spoils of the enemy in a plastic bag.

“What was this demon who descended upon our innocent kingdom?” asked the princess.

“A couple of dead and rotting rats got into your wall. You should really close up some of the gaps in your crawlspace.”

Ah, close the gaps. Such a wise and noble hero. Such truthful words.

As he rode off into the rose-colored sunset, our princess wondered, who was her milky-eyed champion and, more importantly, what the hell happened to his eye???