The Golden Globes – My Lady Parts Are All Tingly

The Golden Globes – My Lady Parts Are All Tingly
Darcy St. Fudge and Damian Francisco of "Dog President"

Darcy St. Fudge and Damian Francisco of “Dog President”

I know there is a glut of Golden Globes commentary floating about the web-o-sphere. I also know that I couldn’t pass any opportunity to barf out my opinion if I tried.

I had a lady boner all night for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

(I will give credit where it is due right now – I got the term “lady boner” from the fabulous Jen at I want it put on my gravestone when I die.)

I believe they are two of the funniest most talented women who ever walked on this crazy blue marble we call earth.

I am in awe of how many amazingly funny women we get to watch these days. Add in Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Zoe Deschanel, Leslie Mann, Rebel Wilson, Lucy Punch….I could go on and on, which makes me…well, get a lady boner all over again! Happy day!

Though, some observations did tend to kill my lady buzz, one of which was Mel Gibson. He appeared to either be highly medicated or just stricken. I believe he was paralyzed with fear being surrounded by a room full of Jews, women, African Americans, and any other group he has abused in the past.

Mel Gibson

There’s one behind me right now, isn’t there? Right…behind….me…..

Along with Mel, I’m going to give another thumbs down to Robert Downey Jr. As talented as he may be, he acts like such a giant self-obsessed tool that I can’t bear to watch him.

Which brings me to our friend Jodie Foster, who, in addition to choosing some odd friends, gave one of the most rambling WTF speeches since Mariah Carey at the Palm Springs Film Festival.

My two main thoughts around this are as follows:

Jodie, it is no longer 1985. You seem to think that any of us are sitting around our groovy condos wildly speculating about your personal life while drinking our micro-brews and wearing our hipster knitted caps. Unless we do it ironically, which is highly possible.

We knew you were gay when you were 10. So, either there is a parallel world were tabloids still care about this or maybe Ms. Foster is under the misguided impression that her sexual orientation is more interesting than Lindsay Lohan’s most recent arrest or the sex (and species) of the Kanye West/Kim Kardashian offspring.

BUT, my polar opposite second thought was that the piece about her mother was so beautifully delivered, so graceful and authentic, it made me cry.  Thanks for the emotional rollercosater J-Fost! Like I need more of those in my life.

Then there was Arnold and Sly. Wow. If someone made candles in the likeness of each of them, then burned it for 30 minutes or so, they would be the actual live them. I think their wicks were hidden under their toupees along with their little horns.

Then, just when I thought my buzz was forever rendered useless and sad, along came Will Farrell and Kristen Wiig. They did a take on Garth and Kat from SNL that was crazy funny! If the space-time continuum didn’t exist, I would want to be their love-child

I thought Sacha Baron Cohen’s sarcastic slam on Russell Crow in Le Miserable was pure brilliance: “Russell Crowe had three months of voice training. Money well-spent!”

If I could just….remove this sword from my thigh…I will plunge it into the chest of my agent.

If I could just….remove this sword from my thigh…I will plunge it into the chest of my agent.

And, as much as I want Danel Day-Lewis to be some sort of a freaky asshole, he just isn’t. He’s an eloquent and humble bastard, damn it!

Though, he has to be a challenge to live with what with all the Method acting. Imagine asking Lincoln to take the garbage out or have Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York mow the lawn.

Is that a gopher hole I see? I will defeat my enemies! Vengeance shall be mine you son of a whore!

Is that a gopher hole I see? I will defeat my enemies! Vengeance shall be mine you son of a whore!

I’m just saying that Mrs. Day-Lewis is a hell of a trooper.

There were many more noteworthy tidbits from the night but I don’t think any of us need me to ramble on and on. We had enough of that on Sunday.

(Though, Leah Michelle needs a spray-tan intervention, Lena Dunham needs to throw a couple of Dr. Scholls inserts into her shoes, Jennifer Lawrence was a little bit of a shit about Meryl but I love her anyway, and Anne Hathaway, can we all just agree to not say “blerg” anymore?)

Suffice it to say that I’m more than ready for the Oscars.

Seth McFarlane, do us all a solid and slip Ben Affleck in for Best Director, will ya? It’s the stand-up thing to do.

20 Responses »

  1. Followed you over here from your Ann Hathaway guest post at AIMING LOW.

    Dang you are funny. Will spend more time here after this comment, but just your first 3 posts here SLAY ME.

    Love finding people who are so twistedly funny.

    A pleasure to meet you.

  2. I know I’m a little late on this, but I JUST found your blog from “The Bloggess.” Hilarious post! And I totally was rolling and spitting in ridiculous laughter from Sacha Baron Cohen’s Russell Crowe speech, too. Ha!

    Love your photos and captions … especially the tidbit on Mel Gibson. Brilliant!

  3. Great recap! I was thinking that pretty much the entire world already knew Jodie Foster was gay, if not since she was 10, then definitely since she and another woman adopted children together many years ago. So I’m not sure why that was such a big announcement. Was it just the fact that she (almost)said it in public? Although I completely agree with you that the part about her mom was incredibly moving.
    And now I’m off to google lady boner….

  4. I’m SO ecstatic that you’ve incorporated “lady boner” into your vocabulary! And TECHNICALLY (in the dictionary in my head), London Jen, it refers to when a lady gets excited and her “bit” gets hard. Just because it’s tiny, doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge it. They even look like a “man’s member” that made a witch-doctor REALLY angry…
    Either way, I’m TOTALLY game for coming up with a new word.

    I didn’t watch the Golden Globe Awards, sadly. I really wanted to, but I ended up falling asleep in my toddler’s bed. LAME! A super duper thank you is owed to you from me, because now I know which parts to skip over when I watch it tonight on my DVR!

  5. Oh don’t worry, little Mel is storing all his frustrations up for his next, captured-on-tape tirade.
    I’d feel almost bad for Russell Crow but he seemed so self-satisfied about his performance when talking about it to the media. Opps!
    Lady boner references have been “springing up” for a minute now on the internets, in case the previous commenter was curious. It’s hilarious and actually physiologically accurate (don’t even ask how I know this- just google it, lol)

    • Wonder who he will alienate next since it seems he’s hit most segments of the population. He may just move on to kicking puppies.

  6. Very funny, Irene- just what I was thinking about Mel- like WTF? He was practically drooling- and Mel, we use to think you were da bomb…well, many years ago. And what happened to Jodie Foster- maybe being famous for 47 years has that effect on people, who knows.

  7. Regarding Tina Fey & Amy Poehler, it’s nice to finally feel a little represented – it’s not just a WASP-y boys club anymore, Mel. I can imagine saying that to his face, then throwing a full martini in his face and twirling on my heels to strut away. I have a pretty rich fantasy life.

  8. Funny and smart as ever. One thing though ….

    There are so few women out there presenting these award ceremonies: it’s both brilliant and about damned time to have Tina Fey and Amy Poehler up on stage running things.

    And even better, they’re doing it as women: not women pretending to be men. So, ‘a lady boner’? Really? I know this is a tedious buzz-kill, but can’t we women appreciate smart women as the smart women we are, rather than pretending to be men, waving fake wangers?

    In love and appreciation for your great posts, London Jen

    • Agreed! Let’s come up with a fabulous replacement term for Lady Boner. Work with me! 🙂 This exercise alone could be it’s own blog – though one better NOT read at work I suspect.

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