The Shame of The Domesticated Human

The Shame of The Domesticated Human

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
― Jerry Seinfeld

Let me begin by saying that I freaking love animals. Well, almost all animals. I’m not a huge fan of the hyena or the wolverine because they are just huge assholes.

That’s a scientific fact.

Seriously, look at these jackasses!

Seriously, look at these jackasses!

I’ll start over. I love all non-douchebag animals.

Now that we have that established…

I especially love dogs. I have a dog who is so awesome, it’s like if Jesus Christ and Spiderman had a dog baby. Yeah, that’s how god-damned off the hook my dog is.

However, I do sit and ponder at times, as I watch him go at his donkus like it’s his last meal, why we think it’s OK to have these beasts live INSIDE our houses and skulk among us.

(I know you may be wondering if this profound thought occurred to me after the inhalation of some organic substance but the answer is no. I don’t need weed to think like this. At least not this time.)

Most of us generally try to minimize the invasion of outside elements inside our cozy little human dens. We freak out and go all Charles Manson on spiders, flies, mice, rats, whatever living thing was not expressly invited into our Pottery Barn lives.

But, for some reason, we find it completely acceptable to have filthy canines and felines take over our entire home, shed skin and hair all over the place, upchuck anything from cat turds to hairballs to chicken bones on our new area rugs (a wipeable surface isn’t even open for discussion), and practically shoot fleas and ticks at you like one of those t-shirt guns.

Then they top it all off by mining their buttholes with their tongues and proceed to lick you all over the face.

They are totally flipping us off, you know that, right? They are all a pack of hairy grifters pulling the best scam ever.

It really is like we are in some sort of sado-masochistic relationship where we have not established a safe word.

They stink up our houses, lay around all day, don’t pay any rent, demand to be watered AND fed and crap all over our lawns.

It’s like your annoying unemployed brother-in-law has come for an extended visit.

But I don’t have opposable thumbs, dude….be reasonable! You cannot resist me! Now what’s for dinner? And, while you’re up, go get me another beer.

But, damn it, they are so soft and cute!!!

The entire human race has been glammered.  Like vampire glammered.

You will believe the fact that I poop in a box is adorable.

Has anyone even looked into other species to bring into our homes for….whatever the hell it is they do for us?

(Yeah, I know…love, companionship, acceptance. All the stuff we are supposed to get from other humans and don’t. Which is why the divorce rate is so high.)

For your consideration: the naked mole rat. Now here is an animal that can use a little love and acceptance.

Happy little mole rat eating a tuber.

Happy little mole rat eating a tuber.

Just think of the fun little outfits you could dress him in. And, this guy could really use a sweater.

Not so much?

OK, how about a sloth? From what I read in Us Magazine last time I was at the gynecologist, they are all the rage right now.

Yeah, baby. Let’s put on a little R&B, pour a snifter of Courvoisier and……..sorry! I nodded off!

Though, personally, owning one of the seven deadly sins feels a little risky.

OK, so now that I have googled as many weird animals as I can to avoid work, I suppose dogs and cats do have a bit of a case. They’ve learned to adapt to us and we’ve not only adapted to them, we worship them like deities.

What’s that you say, man’s best friend? You need me to express your anal glands?

My pleasure!

14 Responses »

  1. I read on the door of the bathroom stall at the Baltimore Aquarium that sloths only come down from their trees once a week, to poop. And when they do, they poop TWENTY FIVE PERCENT OF THEIR BODY WEIGHT. That is a bad-ass lazy fucker, right there.

  2. Well, when you put it that way..

    My husband and I are in the middle of our dogs second week-long diarhea bout in that past month. Not only does she diarrhea 5-10 times a day, she wakes us up at least 4 times throughout the night and if we don’t get up and let her outside, the diarrhea finds its new home on our bedroom carpet.

    Oh how we love our puppy!

  3. Wow, Irene. I do have to admit, I have a soft spot for the naked mole rat. I think I would prefer the squirrel to any pet though. Cute and cuddly. Potty-trainable, I hope!

    Hysterical in a way that has me reading parts aloud to my husband who’s already read the post!

    • You know, I saw a chipmunk the other day and thought “I wonder how big that things poops are.” So, yeah, I kinda get the squirrel idea.

  4. The hyena and wolverine do appear to be dicks, but the mosquitoes and roaches,although small in size, take the effing cake. I have severe allergies to cats/dogs. They are both adorable however. I had leopard geckos. Peaceful little guys and small poops.

    • Oh yeah, don’t get me started on insects. I was going with the mammal family on this one but creepy crawly flying bugs could easily be a whole ‘nuther blog!
      Small poops = good.

  5. Gotta disagree about the wolverine and hyena, but the entire rest of your post is spot on. Not only do I have my own dog and cats, I bring in foster dogs as well. ‘Cause you just can’t get enough animal effluvia in your house.

    • As you probably have guessed by now, I don’t actually know, as fact, anything at all. I make shit up. That’s what I do. Hyenas and wolverines may be the most gentlemanly and cultured of the animal kingdom for all I know. They don’t photograph so well though.

    • And yet we keep at it. I found a ball of fur the size of a baseball tacked to my son’s wall. He said he found it under the armoire and just liked it. What is happening???

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