To: God; Re: Anne Hathaway in Batman

To: God; Re: Anne Hathaway in Batman

To: God.Almighty@heaven.com

CC: Buddha@nliten.com, Shiva@rencarn8.com

BCC: Mephistopheles@newscorp.com,  Mel.Gibson@hell.com

Subject:  Oversight in creation – please make me Anne Hathaway

Hi God,

I know you are fairly booked up but wanted to see if we could find some time on our schedules to discuss a rather large oversight on your part.

I don’t want to point fingers or anything, I know we are all a team (some more functional members than others) but why did you see it fit to give all the good DNA to Anne Hathaway? After seeing The Dark Knight (by the way, THANK YOU for Joseph Gordon-Levitt) I could not help but notice the imbalance.

I’d hope you are not one to play favorites but wanted to just point out some areas for improvement. I have added a graphic for reference.

Anne Hathaway has legs up to her earlobes. I’m not even sure it’s possible to have legs that long but why not throw a few inches my way? Seems like she has more than is technically needed by a human.

Additionally, she does not appear to have a flaw on her skin…anywhere…at all. Perhaps you created her as a reference to the word “milky”. I do understand that it’s helpful to be able to point to specifics with adjectives but why reserve “ruddy” or “blotchy” for me?

Does she really need such big eyes and lips? Also, seems like these things could have been more evenly distributed amongst your flock.

I was going to add in her fabulous silky hair but I realized after she shaved her head for Les Miserable, it wasn’t even all that necessary. Though, one more thing she did get more than her fair share of.

If this seems like an unreasonable request, I am open to spit-balling a few other ideas. I’d be open to, say, a Kate Beckinsale or Penelope Cruz approach. Heck, if you were open to Tina Fey, I think we could make that happen.

Feel free to forward this to any other deities I may have missed who have signing power.

Oh, and thanks again for the “dying for our sins” project. Sorry that isn’t going as well as you had hoped but I really appreciate the effort.

Best regards,

Irene Barnett
General Manager, Sarcasm and Self-Deprecation (SSD) Division

15 Responses »

  1. Pingback: Yes, Another Annoying Best of 2012 List | Left of Plumb

  2. OMG, really. OMG. Just done with first week of work after being out of a job for over a year. That = delirious. Found this blog. I may never leave. I think I have a crush on you, Irene. You are just what the doctor ordered (except that I don’t have medical insurance, but you get it, right?). Anyway, Ann Hathaway. She must be an android. No one can be that gorgeous, gamine (w/ the new hair), and apparently, nice.

    • I know! Right? I cut my hair short and just look like a lesbian….not that there’s anything wrong with that….but it’s not the look I was after.

  3. um, speaking of thanking the deities for Joseph Gordon-Levitt – have you seen this months cover of GQ?? go get it. you’ll smile wistfully and not be able to bring yourself to recycle it, my goodness me…(your email addys for the gods? hiLARious…)

    • Going to the newsstand (that’s so old timey sounding, like I’ll flip the “newsie” a coin and get to the stenographer’s pool) and getting me one now!!!

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