A few years ago I decided to get my horoscope read by a “professional”. And by “professional” I mean a carny in a leather jerkin at a renaissance faire.
Evidently, I was supposed to come into some sort of incredible wealth this year. All I can say is that the tires on my car are bald and one of the cupboard doors in my kitchen fell off and hit me in the head. Maybe the carny was having an off day.
As a retaliation for my not becoming wealthy and just because I really hate renaissance faires, I decided to compile a more useful horoscope or “horror”-scope if you will.
Enjoy! And if you happen to live next door to a Cancer, use your deadbolt tonight!
Aquarius – Jan. 20–Feb. 18
Your Criminal Tendencies: Aquarians are hackers, hustlers and con artists involved mainly in manipulation. They usually commit crimes based on revenge.
In good company: Dick Cheney, Glenn Beck, Jerry Springer, Kim Jong Il
Wow, you are in the company of some world-class assholes. Well done! Maybe it’s because, like the others on your list, you are inflexible and stubborn and don’t care about facts.
Vengeance is yours! so go get it! Today is a good day to smite your retractors because Uranus is in retrograde (I just wanted to say Uranus).
Pisces – Feb. 19–Mar. 20
Your Criminal Tendencies: Pisces are mostly involved in drug-related crimes.
In good company: Osama Bin Laden, John Wayne Gacy, Justin Bieber
As much as I hate to admit it, I tend to hang with the fish a bit. I have a soft spot for lazy, escapist drug addicts. Today do NOT watch any sad movies. You’re on the downside of your constant emotional roller coaster and need to dose up on your antipsychotic meds.
Aries – Mar. 21–Apr. 19
Your Criminal Tendencies: Aries are usually criminals for hire and are heavily armed.
In good company: Adolph Hitler
You are self-centered, egotistical, moody and selfish. You are a huge douche. You are the astrological equivalent to a Real Housewife of Orange County, throwing drinks into the faces of all the other astrological signs. Who the hell raised you? I mean, you are one with Hitler. Enough said.
So, today, just try not to be such a giant pain in everyone’s asses, OK?
Taurus – Apr. 20–May 20
Your Criminal Tendencies: Taurus is quite dangerous and temperamental. They are usually involved in money laundering as they are clever and do most of their crimes in solitude.
In good company: Vladimir Lenin, Saddam Hussein, Mark Zuckerberg
You are some scary, sneaky folks. What do you have going on down in that dark basement? You are the second most dangerous astrological sign on the chart. Couldn’t make the cut for number one? Must be that lazy streak you have. You also are very self-indulgent so today is a very fortuitous day for buying stuff you don’t need like solid gold urinals.
Gemini – May 21–June 21
Your Criminal Tendencies: Geminis get involved in crimes involving fraud as they are con artists and thieves. The Gemini criminal tends to not take things seriously.
In good company: Marquis de Sade, Donald Trump, David Berkowitz (Son of Sam killer), Jeffry Dahmer
You guys are wound way too tight. You’re twitchy, creepy and giggly. You are like Dracula’s lunatic sidekick, Renfield. It’s a banner day to steal someone’s identity so get out there and snatch some old lady’s purse, you spazzy knuckleheads!
Cancer – June 22–July 22
Your Criminal Tendencies: Cancers are the largest majority of criminals and most dangerous among all the zodiac signs. They are violent passion killers who kill multiple times and leave some kind of markings on their victims’ bodies to distinguish themselves. This kind of killer is usually thought to be mentally unstable.
In good company: King Henry VIII, John Dillinger, George W. Bush, Lizzie Borden
So, knowing how over-sensitive and unstable you are, I’m going to say that you should just try to not kill anyone today. You should just really focus on that. Not killing anyone. Maybe just stay home to be sure you don’t kill anyone, OK?
Just to be clear, leave people who are alive alone today.
Leo – July 23–Aug. 22
Your Criminal Tendencies: Leos are usually very dangerous and get involved in criminal activity for the sole reason of getting recognition.
In good company: Benito Mussolini, Grigori Rasputin, Mata Hari, Napoleon Bonaparte
But wait, there’s more: Hulk Hogan, Magic Johnson, Bill Clinton
You are an over-sexed group of unstable, syphilitic pervs. You are vain and crave drama and excitement.
Today is not the day to have casual sex because by mid-day you will have a herpes outbreak. So, give it a few days to clear up and then get back to it, tramp.
Virgo – Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Your Criminal Tendencies: Virgos are burglars and hackers and usually well-armed.
In good company: Ivan the Terrible, Slobodan Milosevic, Michael Jackson
You tend to be a nosy nelly, always interfering in other peoples business. Thus the burgling and hacking I suppose. Today may be a good day to hack into some bank accounts. I happen to know my asshole ex-boyfriend’s firewall is down.
Libra – Sept. 23–Oct. 23
Your Criminal Tendencies: Libras have the largest criminal percentage compared to the rest of the air signs. They are usually armed and very dangerous. Libras are usually corrupt people.
In good company: Lee Harvey Oswald, Jesse Helms, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Oddly, Snoop Dog and John Lennon are also Libras which leads me to believe you are the Jeff Spicoli of the zodiac – always high which makes you an unreliable underachiever. Add your naturally corrupt nature and a handgun and you’ve got quite a combo.
Today you will get an unexpected invitation to a social event or party. It might be a good day to hold up a 7-Eleven for cash and snacks.
Scorpio – Oct. 24–Nov. 21
Your Criminal Tendencies: Scorpios are sadistic with hot tempers.
In good company: Charles Manson, Marie Antoinette, Senator Joseph McCarthy
If you are noticing missing pets in the neighborhood, you may want to see if there is a Scorpio around. Lock your cats and dogs up if these freaks are in the vicinity.
You have big control issues and tend to go all apeshit if you feel you don’t have that control.
Let’s not drive today, shall we? A gum-chewing texter is going to cut you off and it will all go downhill from there.
Sagittarius – Nov. 22–Dec. 21
Your Criminal Tendencies: Sagittarius are con artists, robbers and thieves. They do not, in most cases, hurt their victims. Sagittarius has a high population of criminals but they are difficult to capture.
In good company: Joseph Stalin, Ted Bundy
You guys are the lovable near-do-wells of the zodiac chart. You are always up for the sport of criminal activity. But, you are a wily group to be sure and hard to catch.
I say, do whatever the fuck you want today – you’re not going to get caught anyway!
Capricorn – Dec. 22–Jan. 19
Your Criminal Tendencies: Capricorns are usually all-around criminals. Capricorns are mostly involved in organized crime and are rated as being more sadistic than Scorpio.
In good company: Richard Nixon, Idi Amin, Sun Ming Moon, Rush Limbaugh, Benedict Arnold
Nice! You’ve beat out Scorpio in the sadistic category! Good for you!
You are a criminal generalist. You are conceited, distrusting control freaks. You live for a good conspiracy theory. If your sign had a currency, Rush Limbaugh’s face would be on it.
Today is a great day to start a new project. Like heading to a remote cabin in North Idaho to build that bomb you’ve been putting off.