I can’t read one more terrible story this week so will now reintroduce us all to something important, relevant and that we can all relate to.
That’s right – initial caps AND bold font, bitches!
Yep. Pubic hair! Right? Curly, straight, trimmed, shorn, bushy. We all have it. And the maintenance of it has created a thriving industry that is in existence because some evil genius, somewhere, decided we needed one more thing to feel self-conscious about.
But, who can keep up on the trends? I can barely keep the hair on my head under any semblance of control let alone the undercarriage. Thank you, Chilean ancestry!
Now I need to figure out what personal statement I need to make with my crotch coiffure? The options are myriad.
Do I go minimalist? Try on a genital skull cap to regain the dewy youth of a 12-year-old?
Or do I go retro and harken back to the groovy, bushy 70’s?
Do I go Vegas, baby, and Vajazzle that shit (said with jazz hands)?
Or do I go au natural and choose, what I like to call, a “George Clooney”? I could fantasize that I’m seeing the top of his head down there as opposed to the copious amounts of salt and pepper that make up that region already.
Or do I go with a more intimidating style? Really show who’s boss!
I actually, quite by accident, got a Hitler from a Brazilian waxer once. I chalked it up to a gross miscommunication due to a language barrier. When I said “just a little off the sides” she heard “a small man who committed genocide”.
Portuguese is a tricky language.
The aforementioned diabolical leader is in good company when it comes to megalomaniacs with odd hair choices….
It is clear that while they have all attempted to control the masses with an iron fist, they lose the battle of the skull. Don’t want to think of what’s happening down south with these morons.
And, like my Hitler debacle (right, it was only ME who had a Hitler debacle!) any or all of these could be a pubic grooming choice that catches on.
The Gadaffi Go Fuck Yourself
The Kim Jong I Be Illin’
The Full Donald
Luckily, the reality is that MOST of us (not ALL, I get it) do not have an audience judging the choices we make in our pubic region.
And, let’s face it, judging someone for their choices in pubic hair style is just as ridiculous as judging them for their choices in who they love or what diety they choose to worship.
Amidst all the murder, rape, rampant bigotry and divisiveness of our world right now, I want us all to remember one thing that I think will help to bring us all together. And, that one thing is simply this: At the end of the day, everyone has pubic hair.
It is the common ground where we can come together as a people. It is a bridge across nations, religions, sexual preferences and gender.
So let’s make a deal. I won’t hate you for choosing a Gadaffi if you let my accidental Hitler go.
It’ll all grow out anyway.